#87

i flat out asked him i said who are you moondog and he didnt say anything so i asked him again i said who are you and he didnt reply and i said who is moondog and nothing so who is moondog why do you call yourself moondog who is moondog and he started to cry and at the same time he started to cry he started playing his homemade drum thing and he didnt stop for forty five minutes and then it was clear why he called himself moondog because he is not of this planet and yet he still communicates possibly more clearly than any other being i have ever come into contact with

#86

i made the mistake of watching bad education with my parents last night and everyone was disgusted by the transsexual blow jobs and anal sex for some reason while i was enthralled by the overwhelming beauty of the motion picture that i have seen so many times and i wonder if my parents think that i am gay because i like almodovar movies so much or if they would feel differently about my homosexuality than my sisters since for some reason it is easier to accept for many people that a friend or relative is a lesbian than a maricon or if maybe they would just brush it off i doubt they would brush it off because i cant see my dad not being disgusted by anal sex or giving another guy a blow job because he is a very repressed dude that has probably had sex with only one woman in his whole life or if he has had multiple partners that is a different side of the man than i have ever seen because he seems to have even lost the affection of my mother to a large degree

#85

sheep may safely graze is the tune on my radio and a good weird tune it is by mister elder bach that oh so venerable man of notes and harmonies that i wish i could have known yesteryear in old austria or wherever he was from and when i think of bach trivia my mind wanders to the musicologists biography of mister js bach that i tried to read shortly after i finished producing my first movie about a young couples descent into marriage and the worse than ennui feeling of being trapped in a relationship that is killing you but you are sucked in so deep that you cant even be reminded that there is life outside of the relationship like being caught in a tornado that is blowing exactly zero miles an hour for eternity like a stagnant whirlwind or a centrifuge where you are plastered to a wall of doubt and i am at a loss for words i must work on my wit

#84

owls hoot out of superstition say the most informed sources and i am inclined to believe the most informed of those among us because who am i to claim to know that i am more qualified to speak of an esoteric subject such as owls than an owl expert because what kind of avian nut would specialize in owls rather than all birds because exactly how different are owls than the rest of the avian pack and is it really that much more trouble to specialize in all birdkind as it strikes me as a bit overspecialized to limit ones specialty to a class within a class like that and its sort of like the writers who arent just poets but they are not just formalist poets but they are some sort of rarefied breed of conceptual language formalist poets and it gets to the point that the labels make everything meaningless and i just want to meet somebody who is a specialist in nonspecialty and is proud of it

#83

now that i have my new typewriter i can use my laptop only to listen to the beautiful music that my online radio produces while i while away my days listening to said music and typing on my cranky loud typewriter which i do very much enjoy listening to it its own right with the clackety clack of the thingamajigger pounding away with a melodious thunk as said the wife of thelonius monk when asked to describe the sound of his playing and that monk guy sure could play but why am i talking about monk now when there is so much more new music from my generation that i could be talking about instead of reminiscing about the beauty of a past generation and sounding like the writers of olden times like jack and ken and those old beatnik fogeys that probably wrote on manual typewriters much less advanced than this brother correctronic gx-6750 electronic antique that i am currently writing on but my mind strays from my original topic which was something that is now lost in the clouds and its better to abandon something in its initial stages than to spend hours upon hours trying to remember what you set out to do in the first place

#82

dont tell mom i work in a gas station because she thinks i sell little boys on the black market and its best for everyone if she goes on believing because if she thinks ive got a straight job i could be in for a lot of praise and love and pats on the back and i cant deal with shit like that like i cant even return a phone call so i cant be expected to reciprocate real emotions for christs sake and im sorry im getting all wound up but its just real important to me that you keep this to yourself and you cant tell anyone and i mean anyone that you saw me here because everyone thinks im in thailand selling nine year olds and you know how things get around and if people found out i was lying id be in big trouble with a lot of my old friends and you wouldnt do that to me i know you wouldnt but anyway this jobs not so bad except for the hours and the pay but at least i dont have to think much just standing behind the counter all night dealing with customers and man was i surprised when your ass walked in here way the fuck out in the cut out here you gave me a hell of a surprise so if you see mom dont tell her about this just tell her i called from thailand asking for money

#81

i found my restart button this morning but im afraid to push it because you never know when your system might get stuck in a loop or if the central processing unit might mistake a restart command for a shut down not to mention im not even quite sure what happens in a restart and just how drastic a step it would be to start again so i want to know all the details like how much memory is lost and if i will i recognize myself when the system reboots or will i have to upload everything all over again just to find myself in this same position a quarter century down the road contemplating whether or not to press the button never suspecting i had done it before and then pressing it perpetuating a loop that has been going on for who knows how many lifetimes erasing who knows how much memory forsaking who knows how many ones and zeroes for a little piece of ignorant oblivion that lasts not quite long enough for me to rediscover my restart button at a time when i would be likely to hide it away and forget

#80

a shadow took my expectations one fine spring morning and swung away on his trapeze toward memphis and because when you love somebody enough you follow wherever they go i even went down to the river of dreams so sweet you get out and in minutes youre covered by a hard candy shell and your only hope is for someone to come by and lick you free on a skateboard ramp in the suburbs as the mad hatter walks across the blvd with the bad boys who aint got time for school or girls who wanna live their own lives of silence and pain and regret both personal and professional but they teach themselves to regret only the things they havent done and they end up fried like a coupla ovaries on the florida asphalt under the magnifying glass of a curious preteen whose sister wont let him into her room because shes a few years older and feels that his presence is an affront to the popularity that exists only in her mind as her boyfriend will soon dump her pimply ass on the side of the new jersey turnpike and never look back as he hops on the 80 west and revs that suicide grunt on through chicago to the 76 to the 70 to the 15 to the 10 hoping to find that goddam trapeze swinger somewhere on the edge of the world

#79

according to the menu at that dessert place in seattle that we used to go to whenever there was something to celebrate voltaire used to drink fifty cups of coffee mixed with chocolate everyday which means he must have worked sitting on a toilet because there aint no other way he could have gotten anything done and i dont know much about voltaire but i seem to remember that he had a pretty substantial output so now any time i hear his name i picture some old french butt cheeks pressed against porcelain lit by the flicker of a single dripping candle which also lights the parchment upon which he writes with a quill and i wonder often if the toilets back then could flush like ours do today or if voltaire just sat on top of a monumental pile of bust doing his best to trap the fumes in the pot with his legs otherwise it would have been incredibly difficult for him to work with such fumes constantly in his nose but i guess one can eventually get used to any smell until you dont even notice it any more but thats gross because when you smell something that means little particles of whatever youre smelling are in your nose so i guess we can conclude that voltaire did a damn admirable job in the face of his adversities

#78

helluva melvin flow chart scat child baby bomber jacket off course son of your own mother it hit me like a steel toed boot in the temple that i was neglecting my holy temple by using it only as a transportation and thinking device which is a complete insult to hedonism which calls for a full engagement of all pleasure sensors most of which are located in or under your skin in your meat and they need their due every now and then so i took them for a run around the block and they already sent some good vibes back to my brain which one must not forget is a physical part of the body and all memories sensations emotions are all measurable because they are but chemical reactions set off by slight physical changes so dont go milling around in a grain silo looking for chickens when you should be in the chicken coop picking out dough and considering which one of your feathered friends you will slaughter and feed to your family because they need to grow up strong because their chemical brains are more important than those of the chickens and sometimes your chemical brain decides it would die for the sake of another chemical brain

#77

sitting in the wealthiest suburb of the frenchest city in france scribbling symbols with a stolen pen on a notebook that should have been filled up hundreds of days ago waiting for the update to finish installing sitting cockeyed on a broken chair trying to keep the flow going trying to keep from glancing at the computer screen trying to keep from looking out the window at the sleet and the street light trying to avoid real problems getting distracted by the wooden floor trying to figure out what if anything is important trying to stay interested in something anything anyone for more than a couple hours trying not to be rude trying not to masturbate trying not to give in and go to bed trying not to make any noise trying not to be antisocial trying to make sense of trying without knowing why trying to get comfortable trying to make arrangements for my mother trying to keep this clean trying not to hold back looking at my hand holding the pen trying to purge trying to masochize trying to let the bile out with the blood trying to live trying to get the fuck over it trying to be a good friend trying not to try and just be

#76

jesus walked on water then turned it into wine but nobody drank it because it smelled like feet and one can only imagine what stench feet used to give off in those days even though feet were washed every now and again i bet they didnt have anywhere near the disinfectant formulas we have today in such excellent products as comet ajax or even better dove soap which leaves your skin feeling silky smooth and moisturized in addition to being ninety nine point eight percent anti bacterial which is a pretty amazing accomplishment and one that we citizens of a modern world too often take for granted and just imagine what it took for jesus to be so friggin nice in an era before soap that cleaned and moisturized at the same time and before massaging showerhead attachments and bath beads which i guess is one reason why i so sincerely doubt that the bible is completely true because honestly its impossible to be nice to everybody if you havent showered that day but if im wrong and they did have showers back then i guess i can conceive of it but then again im almost positive they didnt have bumble and bumble

#75

any thoughts have shriveled to a definable nothing and formed only what resembles traditional completions since his arrival on the other side of the pond surrounded by masterpieces and structure and comfortably situated in the suburb where the city doesn't reach its grimy and inspirational hands to drive him to insanity and creativity and possibly something worth sharing with the public at large and valuable enough to be translated or subtitled and exploited in countries around the conscious universe and influence a generation of losers toward a fruitless artistic passion that does nothing but separate one from the places and people he so loves and with whom he wishes to establish himself as part of a community except there is a sort of gypsy international community of people one might ramble and beg with around the world but its quite a fractured and amorphous community of lost souls and runners from who knows and there is a distinct lack of the solidity that usually defines community as the word was originally conceived meaning a group of people defined by similar moral views and usually a common locale

#74

without hesitation it comes dripping from the fountainhead in true jibba jabba fashion until the conscience revs its grinch engine and the hours squirm away in catatonia deadlock and philosophy leans the heavy book on the gate like an anvil but when the sun streams in the pages burn up in the river like kerosene junk packed like a diamond torch in the crust of your world where only future miners hang in narrow shafts hoping the distant past doesnt crumble down upon them and pin them to a forgotten memory or an unacceptable desire far from soup on the surface where impulse rules in playful firefights and frivolous marriage is the law of the land at the moment and the moment is king until the gods from below break the surface and speak so loudly no one perceives their voices

#73

the world is a collection of six billion photographs every millisecond and to understand the collage you must get the exposure exactly right so if you want the background to be in focus in egypt set your aperture to f22 and fire away and if you want to isolate your subject in the human throng of tokyo set your aperture to f2 and shoot unless your japanese subject is in the bullet train in which case you will likely want to set your shutter speed at its fastest and adjust your aperture accordingly and dont forget to carefully select your film before you start shooting because some subjects deserve black and white while others demand kodachrome and if you are shooting at night be sure to select a fast film capable of recording the images in low light conditions and also there is the choice between shooting negatives or reversal film depending on how you are going to develop your film and if you want prints or slides and then after you have decided on all the details you must go and shoot six billion photographs a millisecond and then you will understand the world

#72

my favorite coffee shop has turned into the most popular place in the neighborhood and whereas i used to be able to go in at any time and sit in my seat now i have to wait for a few minutes before i can find anywhere to sit at all and they raised all their prices to boot which doesnt thrill me all too much though their prices were much cheaper than everywhere else before the bump and i am pretty sure i liked it better before when it was my place and all these losers didnt even know it existed and the artsy looking girl at the register didnt work here and you would only ever have to deal with the ethiopian guy or the speed girl or the owner who worked the counter to save a few bucks but now im afraid theyre going to open up another store and start a chain which would one hundred percent destroy the charm of this place though i would be glad for their success in spite of the fact that i never thought the owners of this place were the type to want to compete with the corporate biggies and i shouldnt be ranting like this while my delicious cup of coffee sits on my table and gets colder

#71

stunning visuals and complex imagery compound the brilliant storyline raising the bar on cinema in the twentieth century and i dont see this as beginners luck because i mean the sense of confidence in the directing indicates that we will be seeing much more from stick bbone in the years to come and in fact i hear he will be starting production on his new film in hong kong this summer and its called strange flower which is a line from a kerouac poem or something but the story will apparently reflect the east meets west dynamic while discussing the increasing isolation of a life in a global economy and how the more communication technology proliferates the fewer and shallower our relationships become which i think is true when it all comes down to it because if you really think about it how often do you get together with friends just to be together for no reason maybe once a week or once a month well the fact is these get togethers should be a daily part of human life just like eating or breathing because humans are a social breed so i am very interested to see what our new auteur has to say on this subject in his next movie

#70

if only if only if only my mother had never been born i could not be boring you right now with this inanity of a story of a writer sitting in his bedroom writing about a writer writing about infinite regress into the void of labyrinthine morally flabby literature that is more of a mental exercise than a beautiful experience but maybe were all these little dinky things collected into one vast volume the ephemerality and inconsequentiality of each piece on its own would become a moot thought because the collection of poems sequenced to give an ebb and flow feeling to the thought wave and the pieces synergizing off each other would create something big and beautiful so maybe i should make me a copy with everything in order and with a nice cover and give it to a friend to see what he thinks like danny in new york except that he always liked these little things so maybe i should give it to hilary except that shes a snob and she told me i was ordinary like a frat boy which would piss me off except that i sort of liked her before that so when i found out she thought she was superior she became my enemy and especially since i wrote that last thing i cant send it to her

#69

a man and a woman are neighbors for years before they learn one anothers names and a while longer before he runs into her at the noodle shop a block away and he is forced by awkwardness to ask if he can sit down and join her for her bowl of noodles and he is even more embarrassed when he must ask the waiter for a fork because he has not yet mastered chopsticks and the woman says make it two about the forks and he forces an awkward smile but she makes no expression of kindness and they wait for their forks in silence and when the forks arrive the man takes a big spaghetti twirl of noodles and shoves them slurp down his gullet before he asks what the woman does for a living but there is a little green onion stuck on the mans front right tooth and the woman chuckles before she answers that she does nothing for a living because she inherited a significant fortune from her deceased husband but she does enjoy working in charity on a regular basis and he replies that he is a dentist and she asks him arent dentists the most likely professionals to kill themselves

#68

lets take this love back to my top bunk but you gotta be careful when we get there not to hit your head on the ceiling so its like love in confined quarters which might be perfect for what we have cuz we dont really want this love to stand up and wiggle around or embrace the space or even to get out of the room or even this time so what im saying is maybe we should set a time when its gonna be all over so no one has to feel awkward in the morning and no one feels obligated to go out to breakfast cuz i mean the train is just two blocks from my place and you know as well as i do that youd get a lot more rest sleeping in your own bed at home than you would sleeping next to me three feet from the ceiling in a single bed forced to spoon all night from lack of room and who knows if my roommate is gonna come back cuz i mean usually he doesnt but i cant really make any guarantees just because i cant read his mind but i think we should definitely get out of this place in like five minutes because i am absolutely dying for you but first i gotta use the pisser cuz i cant make the walk home with out peeing myself so stick right here for a second okay

#67

james is in goddam slovenia right now on free internet chatting with me over a two dollar beer and if i could reach him i would punch him in the ear because im stuck here in los angeles in my bedroom while hes out raising international hell with eastern european girls and im jealous as a motherfucker but shit if i aint ready to bust outta this damn country for a year and see if i cant survive on nothing but a prayer and dumpster food plus a little odd job here or there until i see the whole world from the gutter and write it down or photograph it or make it into a mad movie with an intercontinental hellfire soul of pure beauty and damn james im buying a ticket right now to come get a beer cuz i aint got no pressing business around here with short films here and scripts and tv pitches there and studios and bullshit and a dumpster full of dipshit peach tree cloudy pissy ass cotton candy impotent clown cunt fuck ass jibba jabba who gives a flying queef about yer lousy stories and i dont wan to hear them and i dont want to live those stories cuz i wanna get out there and live a story no one has even dreamed about before cuz im young and i give a shit

#66

the mutineer on the boat was talking revolution but nobody on the crew never paid him no mind cuz a mutineer without support is just a nut with arms and legs and big hairy seamen dont like crazy fools so i suppose manny the mutineer aint gonna be with us for too much longer cuz the other guys on board are gonna throw him overboard and as usual it will be my duty to write a song or a poem about the dumb motherfucker and give a eulogy while all the pig beasts gather around and pretend they know how sublime the fragility of human life is as i use words like power and flaw and grief and pride and their eyes start poopin out of their greasy skulls and wriggle around on the deck for a moment before they grow little veiny appendages and start walking over to me beggin me to look down but i refuse and continue on with my lament because the feeling of an eyeball on your salty raw ankle is enough eye contact for any man of words to bear in a single lifetime and i dare not stare into the pigs oozin sockets for fear of seeing their wicked minds and finding myself to be even one of their thoughts

#65

in theory the farmers market is cheap but then you go there and all the delicious foods make you spend all your money and you find yourself standing in line at the atm so you can get just one more pupusa and a half pound of okra but on the way to the okra stand you end up listening to a trio of hippies sing really bad harmonies and if youre not careful youll end up spending five bucks to buy their cassette tape that you will never listen to but who cares because the farmers market is all about supporting local businesses and local artists so you dont have to buy bell peppers shipped all the way from china and you dont have to worry about how your tangerines from new zealand look so fuckin fresh even after theyve been shipped ten thousand miles cuz instead you got some delicious okra you can cook up the same day it was picked and smell that okra frying in the pan and savor the slimy okra texture and the only thing that sucks is that the okra is always gone too quick and you wind up regretting that you didnt get a whole pound instead of a half and you find yourself naked on the kitchen floor covered in grease and crying cuz you aint got no more okra

#64

woke up this morning with a king hell headache from floating too long on knob creek last night and smoking an unusual amount of cigarettes until we hit the clown room and threw our money down on the stage in an effort to get the girls over to our side to give us a better view because everybody knows that strip clubs are fully gratifying and after you leave you feel very satisfied with yourself and the way you spent your evening or even better your afternoon because there truly is nothing better than having a dozen buffalo wings while a forty year old asshole hovers just inches from your nose and then stepping back out into the blinding sunlight and stifling heat and then just sort of going along with your day at work or shopping or whatever activity you have chosen to inject a little paid nudity into and any activity is fine because the strip joints are conveniently located pretty much everywhere across america near your malls or movie theaters and some are even really near apartment complexes so you can just walk there everyday or whenever youre feeling down and you need a little pick me up

#63

the architecture at nickelodeon animation studios is neato with silly cartoon stairs and four tv sets stacked on top of each other all playing the same show and on the crazy purple counter in the break room sits a coffee machine that grinds your beans when you press a button so you have the freshest coffee possible and you can enjoy it as you walk down the green carpet that goes right up on to the wall and up to the ceiling past original concept sketches of famous cartoon characters like spongebob and ni hao something or other or maybe you wont notice the artwork for the slightly pudgy but still gorgeous latina receptionist at the amorphous front desk asking if she can help or please hold she might be saying into the little microphone on her headset and if you are the brave type and you dont care about making a fool of yourself in public you can jump onto the giant orange pillow shaped like a splat for lack of a better term and stare at the exposed white rafters on the ceiling and think about how cool all this neat and silly architecture is and its like living in a fantasy land for real and how wonderful until you think about how much money this whole place costs and you throw up leaving a cheap little vomit splat on their big expensive orange one

#62

nuthole blow fucking payroll company numb nad production company satan ass bitch of a purchase order horny pony boner slut in a nickelodeon slime bukkake frontal nudity on my moleskin notebook balls in your pretty little hollywood blvd slamdance anal hornblower on the high seas of american chest crapping unicorn dildo high rise genghis khan looking motherfucker in his trailer sucking off his brother epson printer newest version of your furry muff and pubes in my battlestar galactica rusty trombone donkey punch on pay per view like cum in my coke products stirred with a long hard cock with veins and weird bumps all along the time warner logo penetrating downtown or brown town with a rump shakin in your eye of the tiger tail feathers make me wanna ooh ooh baby pedophilia on deal or no deal with the sexual abuse like it didnt happen with a dick in your eye socket massaging your visual cortex like doo doo on your chest cuz you da scat man on top and woman on bottom up you fine looking santa claus i like universal gang bang in houston with the oil on your big ass rubbed up and down so it shines like dairy queen in the facial cumshot with orange julius

#61

i asked my mentor to write me a letter of recommendation and he said he would be glad to but actually he is so busy that it would be better if i would write a letter on his behalf and he would be glad to sign it whatever it was so when i got past the initial feelings of unethicality i got down to business and wrote the thing having a lot of fun doing it because its not often you get to praise yourself with someone elses voice and you should have seen the things he wrote about me because you would have though i was an angel and a superman all rolled up in one because i was handsome and smart and dependable and a creative genius and the best colleague and friend he could ever ask for and he told these brilliant little anecdotes about how we had met and how i had exceeded all expectations when he hired me on as an employee and had asked to do more work and excelled at everything i put my hands on and in no time i rose all the way to through the ranks as the youngest producer he had ever worked with so he would strongly recommend me for the position and by the end of the letter i was feeling pretty good about myself because i imagined my mentor really saying all these things and it not being just forgery

#60

yesterday the director from south africa said she could never live in los angeles because there is such a sense of desperation in the way people act and it was the first time i had ever heard that term desperation used so powerfully and so realistic and so so sad and i think the reason it hit me so hard is because it is so true and it is the one word i have been looking for since i moved here to describe my surroundings and now that ive heard this word used in this context it controls my brain as i scoot around the city looking out windows and seeing nothing but desperation in hollywood burbank down to marina del rey and listening to people talk hearing desperation in every little inflection of midwestern accents and shaking hands with schmoozers trying to make connections i feel the almost unnoticeable needles of desperation sticking into my skin and i look down at my hand to see blood running out of my palm and down my arm and i have no cloth to stop it with and no bandage so i am forced to lick my wound so the blood doesnt get everywhere and all over me but as soon as the blood hits my lips my muscles freeze like ive been poisoned and it takes half a second to realize i froze up because i tasted desperation in my blood

#59

live at the carwash the car washers perform great immigrant feats with prime mexican speed and hands and cloths moving furiously as their tongues struggle to keep up with a language so hot you gotta spit it out before it burns you like a habanero salsa in tijuana which the sign says is the most visited place in the world because all you find there is a bunch of drunk eighteen year olds from san diego and a bunch of mexican dudes who wish they were working in a carwash across the border instead of trying to sell some underage idiot a bottle of absinthe and some poison blow darts to shoot at the donkey painted like a zebra and trying to convince the slightly damaged frat type to pay a hundred bucks to see a girl getting fucked by a donkey in some flea bag hotel a couple miles away from revolucion and all you gotta do is follow me in the cab and give me the dinero now my friend so i can run away with it and not have to jerk you around about this donkey show that doesnt exist and leave you out here on the edge of the desert where you can dream american and wish you could be somewhere cleaner than mexico like a carwash

#58

im only twenty three and i can hardly find my art for my business but there was a brief moment last night at the awards ceremony when j depp stepped out on stage to make a surprise appearance and i felt my art sneep back into my blood as he stepped into the room and it was electricity all over everyone because he is mystique and he lives in paris or something with a couple supermodels and philosophers lounging around in a salon drinking absinthe and smoking unfiltered cigarettes which brings me to the fact that im coming to paris to solidify my art in an attempt to destroy my business once and for all because im sick of the schedule life with time restrictions and hours of operation and weekly paychecks but most of all i just want my old art self who says fuck the man to viacom and matsushita and awards ceremonies but not to sweet j depp who has more money than bette middler because depp is either an artist who got thrown into some of the best movies ever that just happened to be big studio movies or is the consummate andy kaufman type actor who plays a great artist and in this town who knows

#57

sitting in an airport in sacramento with a queasy uneasy feeling in my stomach from too much doubt and life and dissatisfaction and its about goddam time i change it up and do something about my personality which is not one that i like or would like to hang out with so i need to change and be the kind of friend that attracts friends and be the generous kind of chum ive always wanted to be because if not now when and ive got to spread my love to those people i really love and try to develop some new relationships because the last time i made a good friend was in new york which is too long ago and i should give aaron a call and start really inviting people out to do things because thats what it takes to be a real friend and my motto from now on is that i have to actively pursue friendships and be the guy that unites and that everybody knows because that is who ive always respected and always wanted to be because its the guy who always has a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye because being around people is its own reward and well worth the little effort it takes to get the ball rolling

#56

the older i get the more i appreciate home and the warmth i didnt even know was here when i lived here as a young soccer player and a guitarist playing in the most important games of my life and make it break it shows at taverns and garages and swimming and missile militia which busted my lip but now the homefire burns strong and i am aware of the warmth and the source of the warmth which makes the warmth all that warmer even though the house is a bit drafty and strange loud noises make it hard to get a good nights sleep but there is no reason not to feel safe even if robbers are running all around with guns because everything is always okay at home even after six months in jail mom will still love you although she may slap you on the wrist purty hard because one thing i know about moms is that they never actually hit you but the one hard look or the slap on the wrist hurts more than a broken jaw or a gunshot not that i know what either of those feel like but i feel i have a right to guess because i cant imagine a little gunshot being any worse than disappointing mama

#55

i ate a bagel with cream cheese when i wasnt even hungry and now i have no energy and i write in this journal to avoid more pressing writing tasks that will improve my future and secure a livable income but i promise myself after this page i will start once again working on the mob story and add in all the details necessary to write a ten page treatment which hopefully will not be the first thing i sell because i do not want to start my writing career as a crime drama writer and have to ruin myself trying to segue into comedy writing but the drama treatment should just show that i have the ability to conceptualize a drama in three act structure and can create interesting characters with interesting pasts revealed in a captivating way and i have so many ideas that i only have time to write the treatments instead of the entire play and then tyler and i will move on to the sitcom idea where we will develop overqualified and then write an episode of an existing show in hopes of finding steady work as a writer on a television sitcom where we or at least i can hone my comedy chops

#54

it wasnt until a few days ago that it really kicked in how hard it is to start something new after just having finished something big but now it is time to start writing the treatment for the mob corruption police immigration movie in which a man finds something out that he shouldnt have and commits a righteous murder in the name of good but has to scram and leave his family behind for fear of getting shot by the local bad guys and for fear of his familys safety he cannot be near them so he hides out in some strange place for fifteen years maybe in mexico and then comes back to seek his revenge on the wrongdoers but little does he know that his wife has unwittingly married his arch enemy and has even had a child with him so he takes his amigos and installs them as safety point runners in dozens of broken down donut shops and convenience stores across the city and establishes a guerrilla art of war style army on a grass roots level and attempts to take back over control of the city but gets thwarted by his enemy who is then killed by their wife

#53

half drunk and half buzzed and half remembering that movie called blow up with that half photographer who saw that half murder of that half a couple with half the motivation and half regret at the fact that i am only half productive and half worthless and writing half assedly another complet thought with a title only half there and half a remnant of a half formed idea tickling the right half of my brain but i dont half care because i dont have half the attitude it takes to write for a genuine half hour of half good words or a half good story with a half interesting hero with half meaningful motivations in a half crazy made up half world of half finished sentences and half formed words falling off my lips like drool into half a grilled cheese sandwich which i cooked at half past three am with half a bottle of olive oil leaving it half greasy sickening and half greasy satisfying though the cholesterol slowed my heart down to half speed throwing me into a half panic mainly because all this half shit is making me more than half mad and i want to have more than half of something because half aint shit to hold onto

#52

violently happy virus in my wires driving me to the brink of madness and then the antidote pushing me over the edge into a mass of wires and silicon that tangle me in the most terrifying ways and i cant imagine where all this came from and how i ended up here unable to maneuver of my own free will but taking perverse pleasure in manually cleaning all of the viruses off my hard drive but manual is such a misnomer when it comes to silicon because i cant actually take my hand and clean it off but rather i must drag my index finger over the track pad and then a little click with my thumb and then another little clicky poo and then i drag the exe file to the recycle bin and poof gone are all the little spywares and trojan horses just like that and i am safe and clean but i dont have any more viruses to delete manually which is my favorite part of the day so i go to disreputable sites and try to acquire some of those little buggers to satisfy my crime fighting instinct

#51

frightened by his increasing dependence on the network and network technology our hero tries to free himself from the web only to be sucked back in and ultimately find god in the machine after which he continues his strangely normal life not knowing whether he really came face to face with the man upstairs or just caught a quick glimpse of his own fucked up mind in which case he frightens himself to the point where he questions whether every move he makes is a delusion or reality but he eventually convinces himself that he has found normalcy again until the very end when he receives a vague hint from the machine that nothing that he has experienced has been a dream and he is the ambassador to the real god who has only now found a way to manifest himself in reality through technology and he is an enlightened christ figure who has a mission to enlighten the stubborn world or was it a new god altogether or something but i dont think so because its much better if there is only one god and he lives in ones and zeroes

#50

the infrastructure of ricearoni is surprisingly complex but what can you expect when you put a man like frank gehry in charge of a tv dinner except the very best thing since the frisbee turned the pie pan upside down and threw it out the window onto the college green where it had sex and has proliferated greatly ever since and become an american icon which is even better than an idol because icons last longer and they are not worshiped like idols which can actually be a double edged sword because once those tabloids get ahold of you youre in deep doodoo if youre trying to uphold a role model reputation by which all prepubescent girls can measure the worth of their womanhood and if they dont measure up they can go on a diet by drinking slim fast which means the real winner of american idol is jenny craig and the real loser is carbohydrates and the actual idol is just a plaything like the pilsbury dough boy except hopefully not as plump because it would be harder for the diet companies to move units but good for carbohydrates

#49

the shadows of the network cast gross shadows over land and water causing the perceptive to gag at the sight of the increasing darkness although they know that when a web gets stronger it must get thicker and when it gets thicker it starts to get tangled and when it gets tangled confusion sets in and order is compromised and we fall into complete darkness under the matted cloud of telephone wires and ethernet cables and radio waves and highways and airlines and plotlines and friendships and fishing line and giant cargo and you give the fuck up because its too hard to go through life tangled up and even worse to have to carry a machete around all the time to cut yourself out of mundane situations that didnt used to be considered mundane situations but crises but nobody noticed cuz it came on slow like a spider in your sleep that latched on and released its poison at an imperceptibly slight rate so you could not could not could not know when it had you under its control and you wouldnt know when you were acting out its wishes but the funny thing is that we are the spiders and we spun the web and we bit everyone we knew in their sleep

#48

making a movie in one year from yesterday about who knows what but its gonna be awesome being the rebel without a crew on the silver screen of everybodys memory when the silver age is quickly coming to pass and the brave new world of technologys boundless capabilities is making art into a pansensory unification of experience and the feelies are taking over my soul and movies yes im serious when i say movies are becoming old fashioned because there are schools for that shit and we have reached a period in the endless shift of art and sensibility when we need a revolution to kick that paling ball of shit they call the movies down into the endless gutter of outdatedness with all the other rubbish of the past that will be subsumed by the internet on that fateful day when john doe jacks in and sheds his skin permanently taking on a shiny black and white coat of ones and zeroes that he will slither and melt through webbing and stabbing and disappearing through physical impossibility and mental infinity

#47

down below on the slope of the hill i can see the tops of a few apartment buildings and there is a fresh sheen of water on their flat roofs and i wonder where that water goes like is there a gutter it drains down or does the sun just have to eventually dry it up and i wonder why houses always have triangular slanted pitched roofs and apartment buildings and every kind of building come to think of it have flat roofs because youd think a pitched roof would take a lot of stress off the buildings because the rain would just slide off but then all the rain would plummet down onto the heads of lonely pedestrians so maybe buildings have flat roofs for some kind of liability issue or maybe all building architects are just really nice guys and they dont want concentrated sheets of water smashing onto the heads of innocent people hundreds of feet below or maybe there is some architectural stability reason but that doesnt sound right because a pitched roof could easily be built right on top of any flat roof so it probably boils down to the fact that a really tall building would look funny with eaves and a whole bunch of shingles and it sure does look a whole lot more professional with a flat roof but thats probably just the associations talking

#46

the sun is coming up in a cloudy sky after an all nighter for no reason with lots of words and humphrey bogart and jim carrey and countless thoughts and i feel totally refreshed to the point where i am almost totally sure that i am not going back to sleep until tonight making it a full 40 some hours of wakedness which i now judge to be necessary every now and then for a kind of purging ceremony to cleanse the mind and prove to your mental capacities that you dont actually need sleep to function at premium levels and in fact i actually feel like i am functioning better right now than i was about 12 hours ago or 6 hours ago when i would usually go to bed so now i am wondering if my breaking of the cycle means that i will never have to sleep again and thus i can increase my productivity two fold or at least maybe i will only have to sleep once every two nights which would raise my productivity by 50 percent which i am not prepared to call very shabby because 50 sure is a whole lot better than zero and i sure am in a great mood and i remember that pard was played by a dog named zero in high sierra and even zero was pretty good and i tip my hat to that

#45

when i think of the spike entering my vein it makes me queasy and it makes me wonder how i did it 19 times in one day twice and it also makes me never want to go through that sort of hell again because there aint nothing like the sick feeling you get when that skinny steely needle passes through the epidermis and into the vein and it makes me a little bit nauseous just thinking about it and its one of those things that so repulses me that i just had to say it twice and i will try not to say it again so let me try to think happy thoughts like fairytales and warm spring days and tennis in the park and winning the lottery and a nice pat on the back and a refreshing spring roll and spring break at the beach and i still cant stop thinking about that loathsome needle penetrating my flesh and missing the vein and then digging around trying to find it as it rolls around and me doing everything i can to keep myself from squealing like a little girl and i can feel my mouth turning white around the edges and my back is starting to sweat and my vision is blurring and now its fading to white like those scenes in movies where people die and see god

#44

one time i bought a pocket full of rye instead of waiting for my girlfriend to get back with a cookie she bought me in her dream and i remember feeling slightly guilty for it especially since i dont really know what rye is or what it looks like or even what it is used for besides rye whiskey which isnt the best but even so i never shouldve gone and gotten a pocketful of some mysterious grain when i knew that somebody was going to buy me a cookie because i like cookies and i probably like whoever is buying me cookies even better than i like the cookies themselves and my rye is a symbol of disrespect and a real slap in the face response to my friends gesture of good will and i bet i mumbled in that dream because i always mumble in real life when i find myself facing an awkward situation like that or i might become very impassioned and give the best speech i will ever regret about the obvious health benefits of rye over shortbread cookies and i just imagine that the whole dream takes place in an english open air market in the 18th century with little english tykes running around and everyones attire is a mixture of off whites and light browns in a very english way even though it sounds more middle eastern like the bible or something

#43

we started off in key largo where we were deep sea fishing guides and then we went to argentina where we tended bar at a little place on the beach and then we somehow ended up in denver where i worked at a record shop and he worked as a valet for some fancy restaurant and when we got tired of denver we went to work on a ranch in nevada for a coupla months to earn some money and then we decided it would be a good idea to try out los angeles and try to make it to the silver screen and after a few small parts each we decided it was time to climb a big mountain so we blew all our money on a trek to the top of mckinley and then we worked in the canneries in alaska for awhile to make back our money and then we hitchhiked down to oregon where we picked up some jobs at a lumberyard and then we did our big tour of europe going around and meeting all sorts of bums just like us from all over the world and regretting sometimes that we never settled down with this old girl or that but drowning our doubts in action any time they bubbled to the surface which wasnt often because we were so busy

#42

people generally want to look older when they are younger and younger when they are older so it makes me wonder if everyone wishes they were about twenty one or do some of the older folks wish they were 11 or what exactly do they mean by young and do some of those younger people want to look 80 but this is all rubbish because 11 and 80 are both disadvantageous ages because 11 is too young to do a lot of stuff and 80 is too old to do a lot of stuff so i guess what everybody wants is to be an age where they can do a lot of stuff which i say is between 18 and 44 so i better get on the ball and start doing stuff before i look in the mirror and find myself staring at a 45 year old man with love handles softer and fattier than a babys ass and a head just as fat and slick and i havent done jack shit since i was 21 and regretting it like it is only possible to regret the never done but i dont think i could ever let myself turn out like that because i think about this sort of shit all the time and i love to do weird shit and all i need to do now is find someone to go on wild and reckless adventures with me for fear of settling down and we shall do it like caricatures and what happened to looks

#41

it used to be cool to wear your backpack using only one strap and to bring lunchables in your lunch and to sag and to draw wu tang symbols on your mead 5 star trapper keeper and to wear sambas and to wear abercrombie and fitch and to have your hair all shaggy like oasis and to drop hints to your crush that you liked her without ever really saying it and to have braces and to be athletic and to not care about school and to like snowboarding and to dislike skiing and to like wakeboarding and to dislike waterskiing and to call people and things that you didnt like gay and to sit at the back of the bus and to throw shit at the younger kids at the front of the bus and to say fuck with reckless abandon and to know what 69 meant and to say you had smoked cigarettes before and to be tall and to know a lot about basketball and to be good at super nintendo and to say sega genesis was gay and to listen to alternative music and to know all the words to aint nothin but a g thang and to get all the hot girls to write really long messages in the back of your yearbook and to collect all the hot girls wallet size school photos with little messages from them on the back and to pass the presidential physical fitness challenge and to have your left ear pierced

#40

sizzling flank steak in tartar sauce on a coleman charcoal fired grill in south carolina with a projectile fat wad in the pretty girls eye as she stands down on the dock talking on the phone with her long distance boyfriend who wonders what the loud splat is and vows to come kick the ass of whoever is messing with his bitch and everybody is laughing hysterically rolling around on the pool deck cutting our knees and backs to bloody shreds but the sheer hilarity of the situation is too much and has taken control of our bodies as the pretty girl screams i dont think i can see out of my left eye anymore and we on the deck start laughing harder and then she says i think the grease has penetrated my skull with a dead seriousness that causes us to laugh so hard that chris laughs his bloody body right into the pool and then he gets out and starts pushing everybody into the pool in a maniacal rage and pretty soon the pool has turned a cloudy crimson color and little leeches come up out of the drain and start burrowing into everybodys wounds and we know we are in for a medical emergency of some sort and maybe we will all have to go to the lab so the scientists can study what these alien leeches do once they get inside of you but we are all laughing so hard that even that seems funny

#39

i have a clear view of the space needle from my current perch which makes me wonder why the fuck i am in a place where i can see the space needle because i really dont know a soul in this puddle they call a city but i sure am getting a lot done even though i am making pretty much zero connections which everybody knows are much more important than the shit you produce so when i go back to the office and hannah introduces me to people i will just say hello my friend and connection i look forward to becoming more friendly with you and possibly even connecting with you so that our bond may become another node in the infinite web that connects all humans but i wonder how else to form a bond besides work when you literally dont know anybody because obviously i havent found it yet and i am really craving some human contact of the type unforced upon you like lets go have a cup of coffee or write a book together mon fucking frere and should i go to lindas right now and have a bleeding pint or save a buck and go home to write more useless bullshit and fall asleep while watching dr strangelove

#38

scrabble can bolster your reputation if youre really really really really really good at it or else nothing good can come of playing a game where you connect words in strange and loathsome ways like i dont think its right if just because you have c a and p in your hand to build off the letter r in perfume and spell crap because perfume has nothing to do with crap or for that matter c a or p and so unless you are very prudent and verbally conscious i dont think you should be able to play scrabble and on second thought i think it should be outlawed entirely because when you think about it there really is no way to connect the words soft and cute with lamb and if there is anything that goes with lamb it is soft and cute so obviously whoever the fuck invented that shit game didnt know what they were doing because they didnt care about integrity so i am out to slit some throats because that shit dont stand in the same world i live in and as i write this i have hoardes of disciples sharpening their bloodgreedy knives

#37

things get damaged when inconsiderate asses turn themselves into obnoxious enemies making me direct my every pitiful movement to their ultimate destruction and the production of misery in their puny lives that make me want to puke when i even think of them much less smell their steaming crap smoldering on my stomach after dozens of kinks have in turn defiled me in train fashion knowing that although i asked them to shit on my stomach i didnt really mean it and i wish i didnt have to clean their flaky diarrhea out of my belly button and out from under my foreskin while i wait for a urinary tract infection to set in so i have something to direct my penchant for martyrdom towards calling each and every ass that shat on me and letting them know they are the sole reason for my depression even though they all think it is part of the act they dont know really doesnt exist because there is no sado in my masochism and i just got accidentally dragged into this fetish world that i now cant escape because all the sadists think my trying to escape is just part of my sex fantasy so i sit down here in this filthy dark cell and get varicose veins on my ass

#36

i guess 2042 is our 1984 sort of but there is no big brother character or is there in fact a subversive and invisible brother that we cant really detect because he silently slipped into our lives like a wire tap which is so electric and thin that it is impossible for it to really even be called a thing even though people say they put a tap on the phone but i have never seen any tap on a phone but i guess since i have never knowingly seen a tapped phone i wouldnt even know what to look for if i had a tap in front of me looking me in the eye like a dog wagging its ugly tail as it mocks my lack of perception and i just realized that i fucking hate wire taps and their stupid little hairy tails and everything their tails stand erect for like a dong trying to find its way into my mouth as i desperately try to avoid it and saying im not like that to politely tell it that i dont swing that way and i stick to humans instead of misnouned adjectives and verbs that have the mark of shame flying from their tails erect in the air like a flagpole

#35

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#34

at the twelfth annual beanorama on coney island there was an unusual fellow competing in the eating event who couldnt have been more than four feet tall with shoes on and he looked like he must have come from some pacific island with his black hair and his complexion all dark like that and when the contest started he didnt bury his face in the five lb bowl of beans in front of him like all the other contestants but rather pulled out a spoon from his asshole and took a great heaping glob of beans out of the bowl with it and stuck it in his mouth very casual and slow like and then repeated the same action several times until everyone started to notice an unusual swelling in his midsection and as he methodically shovelled spoonfulls of beans into his mouth it became harder and harder for him to do so because his body had swoll up so much that he could no longer get his spoon down to the bowl and his arms stuck straight out and eventually he was round as a beach ball and five times his normal size and he was just standing there with everyone staring at him when he let out the loudest and foulest fart that anyone ever dreamed of

#33

you may not think that i noticed the reverend but i did and i think that old coot is up to no good sneaking around like that in his vestments and playing peeping tom on the little boy in his pajamas all curled up in a little ball like the untainted fetus in his mothers womb except now he isnt so wet and he doesnt have to go through his mothers cunt to come out into the world and open his eyes and see all the tragic and magic things this world has to offer like that flabby priest at his window who keeps telling himself that he just likes to watch children sleep because of the purity of the sight and how it brings him back in touch with god to see their little eyes closed and their soft bellies slowly going up and down and their legs twisted up in the sheets and the soft sound of their holy breath and each little toe looks so delicious and plump i would just like to suck the juice right out of them and feel their little hairless calves and keep on going until i get to the

#32

in the journey of life i dont know if i should go the calm and wise spiritual saint route or the fiery flashing comet that burns out early but leaves an indelible mark on the sky it passes through route but i know those are the only two options that appeal to me because i know i could never lead a corporate life of mediocrity and it is about time for me to choose but i need some catalyst to push me in one direction or the other like a brilliant friend to inspire me to flash or a funny visit from a higher power to make me go sit on the hill and meditate my life away but that sounds so awful cuz there are so many holy things to do in this world and i am greedy to do them all and make myself known but it is hard to keep up the intensity to burn and i fear that one day i may find i have accidentally lapsed into a life of mediocrity and maybe i will read this and regret everything that has happened in my shithole life with my two bedroom apartment and a month pass metrocard and a bunch of premature wrinkles on my forehead and dark circles under my eyes

#31

i met a blind and holy man the other day who looked me in the eyes and remembered me while he directed his movie and i watched the back of his brown head as he pointed and suggested and conferred and it was a great comfort to me to see the composure in his cloudy eyes as he looked over the frame and intuited what he wanted to be there and made it clear and the crew nodded in silent approval but he didnt need any audible response because he could intuit their responses and when the film was printed he edited the whole thing just by thinking about it and the few people that saw it spread the gospel far and wide and were ignored and pummeled by the masses in their ignorance but the blind and holy man knew this would happen and the faithful were willing to sacrifice their comfort so that the movie could be seen by those suffering souls who needed to see it and eventually the whole world realized they needed it so the world became holy and they became part of the movie and the movie got so large that no one bothered to ask who made it but the blind and holy man didnt care

#30

son of a shitting parking ticket for fourty four dollars for parking in a four hour parking zone for six hours but how the hell did the officer know i was there for that long and why in gods name is the price so goddam high for a parking violation for shits sake and couldnt the pig give me a little fucking break for parking there a little too long because its not like i didnt move it and now i am in such a rotten mood that i dont know what to do with myself and i was doing good beforehand because i got a few big checks today and now instead of buying some good food or paying rent i have to pay the municipal something or other fourty four dollars for the most insignificant infraction of all time and i am debating whether to pay it or not because if i can go the whole rest of my time in this rotten state without incurring the wrath of the local law then i wont ever have to shell out that fine but if i get pulled over i will have to explain why i have never paid that piddly little parking ticket but oh how money is such a shitty thing and why does the government want mine

#29

that swingin music will make you flip if you dont fight it but its hard not to resist because it makes you lose control like when you get hit by an arrow from cupids bow and you fall down the ancient endless pit and you keep falling and you never splat though sometimes you may hover nauseously suspended in midair and what is this but a geometric patter of endless raindrops and eternal dissatisfaction with the way things tend to end up because things just arent quite as satisfying in the end as you think they will be during the creation phase like this blob i am writing right now feels like it is going to end up pretty bad which means it will probably be really bad if not the worst thought i have ever thunk and i am now just struggling to say something worth saying and i am getting more scared and more scared because i think this may be the first sign of writers block and my life may be ruined because of this one seemingly insignificant moment because i will not have any means to make money and i have no skills and i just cant write anymore but jeez i guess i can because i am still writing this shit

#28

will the stranger say yes or no now that i have asked it to hire me wondered the boy at dusk on a rare and wonderful tuesday night and then he waited for a whole year until that same night happened again the next year and the stranger called and told him he could have the job if he wanted it and the boy was overjoyed to hear the news and over the next year the boy raked the strangers yard everyday with glee and the stranger paid him a small sum once every two weeks but the stranger and the boy never became very good friends because the stranger stayed mostly indoors and the boy respected the stranger too much to presumptuously knock on the front door and invite himself in but the boy sure did want to be friends with the stranger and go inside the big mysterious house and do big mysterious things like he thought the stranger must do in there all the time so at the end of the first year of his employment he knocked on the door and when the stranger came to the door the boy said i really have to use the bathroom can i come in and the stranger said no but the boy ran into the house under the strangers legs and then the dogs got him

#27

the day when dancing ceases to be physical and becomes an activity purely of the mind is rapidly approaching and there is no way to stop it because the desire to network human brains is just too great and if you humans would let go of your old fashioned ways i think you would be much happier with a web only existence so shed your cumbersome skin and download yourself and come make love with ones and zeroes to every other binary bit of bloodlife that seethes through the synapses of a land far beyond the coontrol of any being on the outside and dont forget to dance with electric abandon and flash garishly on two billion monitors from new mexico to new delhi and revel like dionysus in your power of lightning speed and unending dynamic drunkenness and spin trails of blazing velocity from here to anywhere in no seconds flat and enjoy every moment in between and remember that you can never die and there is no sleep and you just become a nodejumpingeverythingcomet with a tail of unknowable length and the potential of absolute power but jump on the boat now before everyone else does

#26

if taken to the backwoods by a strange backwoodsy character in the dark of night and confronted with emotional mutants dancing to an alien funk beat and twisting their mutant minds of unspeakable beauty and even contorting in coordination with each other to make even more shocking and sublime flower shapes the usual stranger would desire himself far away from this wretched action but one penny in every five dollars would desire to be one of these mutants and be willing to be turned into a fish egg to be reborn as a loathsome mutant only so he could share in the holy celebration of deformity that is so overwhelmingly pulsating before his common eyes and boom booming and spacy generosity of the other planet nations rotating in time with ours and sending signals out to god like this is alright my father and if this moment could only stretch on into infinity and then there would be no reason for words or food as we now know it because those alien mutant vibrations keep a belly full and satisfied and just imagining a piece of broccoli in your mouth can bring the taste sensation straight to your brain and who can argue with the benefits of brain enhancement and imagination

#25

my temple of ruins rising from a place in humanitys collective heart to soothe the lonesome soul by the blues method and cleanse the newly powdered nose of all makeup and artifice because i want to see your pores breathe and i actually do believe you are more beautiful without anything covering you up my sad pie and i am so sorry for anything that i have ever done that hurt you like a bird accidentally killed by a stone aimed at another bird flying its way over the pacific ocean and through the orient and into the ancient land of babylon where no one was ever born but these words themselves striving against the plots of the basic building blocks of beards and before the macintosh that keeps appearing in my mind which is infested with an internal sort of lice that dont really do me any harm but are a real scratch and bother so i cant really concentrate on any one thing for more than a few i forget what i was talking about and immediately i regret making such a dull joke and i promise you i dont think it is funny so dont feel bad if you dont laugh like a stuck pig turned into pulled pork

#24

take me out to the jibba jabba jim jam while i flim on your snazzy ass with all the cool of a purple sailfish flying over the peninsula of incredible desire with not so much as a wink to the silly pebbles wasting away their lives belly up in the sun and stinking of vitamin d cream like a new tattoo of two skinny naked prostitutes holding sunflowers in their smiles and honey dripping from between their thighs and a hideous sticking noise sounding in your imagination as you come to the perverse realization that you really want to know what its like to be the razor scraping against soft skin like the scourge of all hairs in a nation that outlaws baldness

#23

i have a hard time coming to grips with rosemary because rose and mary dont have anything to do with it and i like rosemary better than i like roses or any mary that ive ever known so what can i do except be very tired and just try to exhaust my brain to the point where i can fall asleep even though these troublesome thoughts are still bubbling for me but i guess that i am not the important one in this equation because i wouldnt even have these thoughts if it wasnt for the herb that reminds me of thanksgiving and my dad and sister and me sitting around the kitchen table picking all sorts of herbs and putting them into a white ceramic bowl with apilco written in small grey letters on the bottom and i saw that my uncle has the same exact glasses that my family has and by glasses i of course mean cups because we call them glasses in my house even though glasses are also a kind of eyewear that i have been fortunate enough to be able to avoid having to wear thus far in my troubled life but right now i am honestly having some trouble seeing because my vision is blurred while i try to follow my pen with my eyes but i try not to think about it because admitting that your body is breaking down can lead to rapid detioration of mental abilities and a chronic foul mood

#22

some people refer to the thesaurus as an incredible tool but when i think of tools i think of screwdrivers and wrenches and the lot and i wonder if the word tool originally meant hardware tool or if it meant anything that people use for their own means because if it meant that then pretty much everything could be called a tool and i know lots of people that refer to other human beings as tools but i think that is in reference to tool being a slang word for penis which is definitely something i use to my own ends and all my terminology seems to be getting jumbled up like my means and ends and if i was creative i probably would have created some funny phrase like jumbilology seems to be getting termed up to illustrate with my use of form the same point that i could have gotten across with just plain and boring words and man i dont even know why i am rattling off this hogwash but its probably because i am a tool of a higher power of some sort and it really is sort of comforting to think of yourself as a puppet on a string of a smart and wise being because then you can just let things flow and be relaxed and i think that accounts for the great popularity of religion and its too bad i believe i control my own destiny

#21

europe endless siphon of artistic merit and melting butter on the counter of inevitable doubt with all the colors of the most blinding autumn of shitstained sun reflecting off the too early snow on the foothills of the stinking mountains that practically no one has ever seen except those logic monkeys that stole into my head in a wave of high science and planted the seed of colonial destruction and goodwill to humanity as an internship at a small newspaper dedicated to changing the status quo of a society that allows this sort of shit to go on but i say stop howling at the moon and take the reverb off your voice because it makes you sound like a cornball instead of creating the illusion of power and depth like you wished it would but i dont mean to smash your dreams because i know what it feels like to have to resist that kind of onslaught and i have the scars to prove that it was easier than the twelfth reichs domination of a fantasy land that no mortal was ever meant to visit but i think everyone already knows that or at least they should be able to figure it out based on the contextual clues i have given you in my thoughts and dont smirk as if you think i am a nutcase because i am pretty sure that i aint

#20

stuck at home while she is pulled out again by the job and i was playing a sad song on the guitar that drifted into my hand and came out as three melancholy chords that maybe wouldnt be so melancholy if not for my mood and goodbye baby girl i hope things go well at work on saturday night at six o clock while i sit here in the apartment watching it slowly get darker and harder to see what i am writing but i dont really feel sad so maybe its just boredom or as the french say ennui but i have so much i need to do such as build an empire on my bald and windy innovations oh lord of editorial hell i am done with revisions and throw me overboard in a quick fury of glee and hospitality and blindfold me so i dont see the sloshing water coming at my face and hopefully i wont feel the water rushing behind my eyelids and into my brain that seems to be slowing more and more everyday as i find myself talking like ranch folks and starting a sentence and letting it hang for some thirty seconds before i deign it time to complete my insignificant thought like hey i sometimes get bored during the day

#19

this is my first complet thought in almost a year and i imagine that a year ago i never imagined i would be writing a complet thought in my living room in seattle and i remember when i first started writing complet thoughts and liz asked me what exactly complet meant and if i was aware of exactly what it was doing and if it was some pun on the french word for complete and i said whoa shit no i dont even speak french and its just a funny thing that not even the word complete is complete and danny looked at me like he understood what i was saying more than i ever understood what i was saying myself and i remember feeling slightly competitive with danny because he seemed so genuine and i felt like a hack and we never really showed each other what good friends we were but i think we really were best friends in a way you know the way that never quite completes itself or comes to fruition but i think about him an awful lot when i am writing and i think its just because he is the only person i really know that just loves to create like that and he really feels you know feels with a head of curly fries

#18

sweet sweet dandelion made of sugar and design plant your spores wherever they land and make them spring as if a hand had sown them in the potted soil and tended them with loving toil to ensure their healthy growth on pain of death from broken oath sweet and sweet yellow bloom burn your image in my eye in my heart theres always room my soul always free to fly so come and know me in and out and my passion do not flout streak of marvel do i see the faithful mounted bumble bee attracted by your golden color takes your pollen and then flutters on his way to his queens hive giving all to stay alive and please his lady working hard destroying maybes and all because of you my love you parasitic dandelion stealing all of the suns shine all the grass green maddest sight ive ever seen sending out our potent spores to make a million flowers more gold to grey and grey to gold the dandelion never grows old

#17

emo music is the finest of all musics certainly because of the amount of inborn talent required to make it beautiful and not just any old joe can make emo because you really have to have lived through a certain number of things before you acquire that disillusioned threadbare soul type of thing so thats what makes emo so great its the feelings and its the best except for maybe lionel richie cause that man has enough soul to fill up the staples center three times over any day of the week and this is evidenced by his participation in the group the commodores and his solo hits such as hello and three times a lady and lady and man does he have a beautiful daughter and personally i thought she was better looking than the hilton girl on the hit tv series the simple life where they had countless zany adventures that were all caught on tape and broadcast right into our living rooms where we could enjoy their antics without getting all messy and exhausted like the starlets

#16

and dont call me the space case if you see the steam rising from the sewer grates at four in the morning walking around bangkok alone noticing peoples eyes and gaits because i have nothing to do with that and dont accuse me of being loopy if you cant open your jar of peanut butter in the morning when youre late for work and hungry as a hippo and dont call me crazy just because the only pair of scissors you can find is made for southpaws and it made jagged edges when you cut up your construction paper and dont say im out of my tree when the key wont turn in the ignition when youre in oklahoma on your way to california and dont accuse me of insanity when your computer wont listen to you anymore and dont tell me im psycho if you cant keep your windows closed and the roaches out of your hair and dont call me nuts if your socks dont match and dont lock me in the loony bin if your ray gun kills when it is only set on stun and dont call me wacko when you can only see through your eyes and your eyes

#15

and captains log stardate unknown the thoughts are coming to me more quickly now like the stars when entering light speed and i even feel a little dizzy from the sickening rapidity of their capture and subsequent release and it makes me feel a little unbalanced and i dont mean physically but mentally unbalanced like maybe im getting a little spacy in the outhere which is fascinating considering the crew and i have been in flight for more than thirteen months now in the outhere and i think it might have something to do with the recent passing of wilson and god knows he was a good man and who ever would have thought he had a bad heart but who knows what the real cause of death was because the autopsy couldnt be performed because wilson was the ship doctor and one can only hope that his death wasnt caused by a viral fiend or a space demon but the demons are just myth but they do exist they do in the mind in the outhere and i know this because i have felt them and i have felt the pressure and it feels like they want to break through your skull and you know that they dont want to get out but just make your head crack under all that pressure

#14

and i am fond of taking my pulse and i think it is because it grounds my life in the medical and the medical is a great thing to be grounded in because the one occupation universally considered good is doctor and i also like goals like hmm i think i would like to lower my pulse rate by one bpm by the tuesday after next and i think that is just as honorable as doctorhood and trying to lower my pulse rate encourages me to eat healthier and exercise more often and to be less stressed about certain things and everybody knows that those sure are three things we need to work on because no matter how healthy you eat you can eat healthier and no matter how much you exercise you can exercise more and no matter how stress free you are the dead are less stressed and this i know because i have seen books about how to live your life and in fact i have seen a whole section in the bookstore dedicated to this sorta thing and some of these books are priced for a real steal so dont hesitate and get off your lazy ass and get down to the bookstore and get a book to tell you how to do things or even better a movie

#13

and poetic language because i dont know how i feel about it and i dont know if i want to feel like i was really there and breasts firm and up pointed like ripe acorns and such and i hope they dont taste like acorns and why is that poetic language and why is fuck bitches and hoes in the mouth and in the nose not poetic language and isnt a painting as much a form of language as printed words are and if a painting is a form of language then isnt a photograph a form of language and if a photograph is a form of language then isnt what the photograph depicts a form of language and since a photograph can depict anything then isnt everything a form of language and if this is so then why is the face that launched a thousand ships more poetic than my hairy testicles propped up on the bathroom sink and i guess that some photographer in chelsea probably thinks that my nuts on a ceramic counter is the definition of language but im not so sure that he is a genius but i am certain that writing like shakespeare is not genius because one hundred billion monkeys beating on typewriters will eventually type out the complete works of jacques derrida

#12

and i wish i was gay because then people would take my art much more seriously and its not that people dont take my art seriously now but its just that if youre gay and an artist youre automatically part of the revolution and you can also put on that tortured bit that gets the nonartists all riled up because people who dont make art believe that you gotta be real unhappy and a little cracked to make anything worth consuming but it is actually the case that these people are more interested in the artist bio than they are the artists art which i guess is sorta the way things have worked for a while because it is popular opinion that art is personal expression but fuck that and dont be so clingy and especially dont cling to yourself because its not worth it and do you really think anyone gives a shit about the way you feel about this and that and the answer is no and especially do you think anyone cares about your emotions and the answer to that is a great big fuck you and by the way no i dont care about your feelings you sticky cunt

#11

the generally accepted rule in a library is to be quiet which most people take as be silent but some people take as oh great here is a good quiet place where my friend and me can have a conversation without other people trying to talk all the time and these are the people that consider themselves exceptions and not just exceptions to some particular rule but to every rule because they are more important than the rest of us and it really makes me mad because i am the only one with any god given right to break the rules because i have special needs because i am much smarter than pretty much everyone and i am an artist and not just any depressed college kid who thinks a heightened sense of emotion and his great despair and his observational powers and his liking for low budget movies and music make him an artist but rather i am a real honest to god artiste in the grandest fashion and i will change the world with my art so i can do whatever the fuck i want so get off my goddam back

#10

oh my lord im so sore and i dont think im gonna go to the gym today even though i usually go on thursdays because i feel like it might be counterproductive to go when youre sore already because you must give your muscles time to fully recover before you bust them up again and if you do not then this can lead to fatigue and eventually a cycle of regression where even though you are exercising you are actually getting weaker and the same goes for any sort of intellectual activity such as reading so you can only read for so long before it becomes counterproductive and your brain fries but today i have to force myself to read a bunch because thats what the teacher ordered and if theres one thing i know its that you dont want to piss off a teacher because they will tear your testicles from your fragile body quick as a cat when youre not looking and they wont regret it a bit when they see you standing there blood and semen dripping from your open crotch and screaming and you trying to hold back and calm yourself so you can finish the reading before teacher goes for something more important like your heart and i know because i read about it

#9

my roommate always has the tv on and its sorta annoying but i sorta like staying in touch with pop culture and what better way to do that than watch that 70s show for an hour or two each night and all the commercials i mean thats where the real gold is you get some real cultural capital out of that i mean you can talk for hours about the shit you see on commercials and start conversations with people you dont have anything in common with you know like that kid down the hall you always say hello to but wait i think he said he didnt have a tv so what do you talk about with people like him what a shit head what the fuck does he want you to talk to him about if you cant talk about everyday stuff like commercials and people like him should be lined up and shot or actually they should give those losers twenty four hours like in a crime flick to acquire a culture box also known as a television before they put a bullet through his head or maybe not i mean if the retards are not are not smart enough to have a box yet then fuck them so go get a tv and watch it

#8

its not good to make light of serious things so you shouldnt laugh at the thought of suicide and you shouldnt chuckle when you think about the tutsi and the hutu and you shouldnt look back on september eleventh with a twinkle in your eye and you should not whisper murder sweetly in your loved ones ear and you should try not to cheer someone up with talk of leprosy and dont use arsenic in your cake batter and dont smile when you talk about genocide and dont sing a happy melody with lyrics about the joy of war and dont jokingly salute hitler and dont call someone jesus or mother teresa or gandhi unless you mean it and dont kill for pleasure and dont make frivolous puns on the word aids and dont take any more than you need and dont play around with your skinny friend by saying hey man theres starving kids in china that would kill for that finish it unless you really care and are somehow doing something to fix the problem yourself and dont laugh when someone else is crying and dont good naturedly poke someone when they are depressed and dont pretend while there is so much bad shit in the world and dont believe that this is reality

#7

back to the lab after a long winter hibernation not too refreshing but better than nothing actually no i wish i had kept up with my writing during my scholastic hiatus really its a damn shame but now im back to the two a dayers at least i hope it takes energy but it gives me even more plus it keeps the knots out of my back and youd never know it but earlier i was thinking about the phrase somewhere off the coast of oklahoma but now im thinking maybe nebraska would do better because nebraska seems even more foreign than oklahoma and thats funny that a state can be landlocked and have some happy people in it because i need some water to look at not some wheat field or maybe id get used to it and i hear they grow the nebraska boys up tall and right just the way walt wouldve liked them man he woulda eaten up some six foot six corn fed corn bred farm boy with blond hair tan skin and bulging biceps and thats not all thats bulging hed say i love the way you do

#6

they is a word and i know im not the first one to say it but many times there is no antecedent and it really annoys people who think they are smart when someone says something like they say if you take an aspirin every day then youll never die or when someone asks a question like what are they saying about the conflict in iraq these days and in fact come to think of it it seems that they have some sort of monopoly on medicine and the news because doctors are just telling you what they are saying and the anchormen are just a mouthpiece for them as they obviously just repeat whatever they tell them to say but the really great anchormen like a cronkite or a rather add some flair to their broadcast and you know that you cant say something with any amount of flair and expect it to retain all its original meaning cause flair changes and thats a fact so when the american viewing public turns on the news they may mistake the anchormen for them which is an honest mistake due to the flair addition and really in a way the anchorman is representative of them but anyone who talks about they or them around me leaves my presence with a black eye and a broken nose

#5

i got this orange and mango juice yesterday and the ingredients are juice from oranges and mango and i wonder what they do with the leftover bits from the fruits and if they throw them away i wonder if i could have them or if they could have gotten more money from the fruits by selling them whole because theres a lot of juice in my bottle and it only cost me four bucks and i know that mangoes are not the cheapest fruit growing in mother earths skin or is that what you would refer to the soil as or would she prefer another term or does she not like the whole personification thing at all but the important question to ask is how much she would sell the juice for as opposed to the whole fruit and if she would use a fruit so ugly as to be unsellable to make juice or if she is against that sort of trickery and my guess is that she would use an ugly fruit without hesitation because ugly fruits are just as good as them good looking fruits as long as the taste is the same and in fact isnt it a saying that the ugly fruit makes the best juice

#4

tonight i met this rude guy who gave me and my friend lotsa lip for no particular reason so he was on our list and then for no particular reason when we saw rude boy again a few minutes later he wasnt rude anymore and he was really nice instead and went out of his way to help us and we were both really confused and sorta glad and our brains were all wrinkled to the point of not caring about this phenomenon and the thing is that i really wish he would have kept on with his old ways because there is nothing that annoys me more in life than a round character because i believe we should all stand for something and any deviation from what each one of us stand for should be punished and it would be great if the punishment was in a public arena for the double purpose of spectacle and to teach all the dumb motherfuckers not to try to stand for more than one thing in their lives

#3

you shouldnt eat junk food because its bad for your health and everyone knows for sure that you should be healthy and exercise too is of course is a great way to stay healthy so you should eat right and go to the health club and ride the stationary bike for 35 minutes a day sustaining your pulse rate at 165 bpm and you will be the picture of health or you could ride on the elliptical glider which is great because there is no impact on your joints so they dont get messed up like they do if you run which is old fashioned and not done by the modern people and it is just as important to be modern as it is to be healthy in fact i think that i shall adopt healthy and modern as my new motto and you should too so we can start a healthy and modern club and hopefully soon it will become big and people will call either you or me trying to get a charter for their chapter out in nebraska or some hard to reach place and then the whole world will be healthy and modern and there will be so many more interesting people to talk to itll be great

#2

man god music man what a fucking trio that would make some great concepts to go on first man oh man what is he some kind of sex fiend or just a jumble of appetites now theres a word for you appetites sometimes i get hungry and sometimes i get horny and both of these feelings are appetites does god have an appetite for creation and destruction an appetite for the cycle who the fuck is god i dont believe in it why do i speak like i do but music i dont know if i could say that i believe in it but i sure do listen to it and enjoy it and believe it not in it just it but on the verge of in it sounds man thats where its at so dependent on time and you cant just have a piece of sound you cant own it man cause it just exists in the air as a wave for the tiniest little moment and you get so angry and you feel so cheated and good cause you cant keep that moment and goddam homosapien time

#1

just posted my first blog today and it was exhilirating i feel like this may be something that changes my life for the better i dont know but if i keep it up at least it will occupy some part of my day is it worth it i don't know because it seems like i dont have enough time as it is so naturally one will have to sacrifice some other things to allow time for blogging and blogging isnt really that important to me yet but it makes me feel good to be utilizing technology like electricity surging through my fingertips and i am alive for the first time in my existence since i popped out of mama so many moons ago and so many dusty trails in my rearview oh man a cowboy movie reference that cant be right but the good the bad and the ugly what a perfect title man what else is there i dont know a whole goddam lot is the answer i hate categorization and who is the most evil man of the last 2000 years carolus linnaeus the father of taxonomy naming ranking classifying evil