#106

talk to the stigmata hood rat satan in a black box theater underneath a grocery store where tv actors do things that are much more interesting and intelligent than the backwash they cough up on screen the poor successful hacks that have nothing but a grocery store basement in chelsea to feed their artistic souls whereas i have my piece of shit apartment in crown heights to remind me everyday that i havent sold out and even if i had the opportunity i wouldnt accept tens of thousands of dollars in exchange for minimal work because i simply dont pander to monied interests actually in think this is true because i dont really need money and i believe my self respect would shrivel like a penis in the yukon in a fruit dehydrator if ever i saw myself hawking some bullshit product on late night tv or even if i was on a tv show of low merit for after all tv shows are just the space between the commercials as far as the big wigs are concerned but then again the movie world isnt as pure as i would like to think it is since stars are the big draw so you have to put stars in your movie for it to open big or to give it legs even if brad pitt is wrong for the role and who knows maybe even brad pitt longs to be in the basement of a grocery store in chelsea sometimes

#105

there is no sanctuary my felonious friends we thieves of the night of justice and good misunderstood by all even those we aim to help but we must forge ahead moving under the cloak of darkness from hamlet to village from kingdom to camelot from great hall to single family occupancy dwelling redistributing wealth as we the radical economist outlaws see fit and carry out our operation in stealth speeding the adjustment of the market and molding a guerrilla socialist state purloining gold bullion from fort knox and knocking off atms and rolling wealthy lushes and executing high end jewelry and art heists doing whatever it takes to robin hood this world into equality even jumping into the cap and trade game setting up front corporations and selling our emissions to proctor and gamble and using that money to hire a safe cracking specialist to go into proctor and gambles headquarters and steal their cash that we can give to the working class heroes whose houses are getting foreclosed because they were sold subprime loans by another institution that we are going to rob and our mission is to redistribute wealth so that every person in the world has exactly thirty two thousand dollars and for the first time democracy will rule as no one can leverage their financial power to influence the government or i guess we could just search for honest politicians ha ha ha

#104

fast i cant move from malnourished brittle bones syndrome pummeled by giant fists of arsenic and truth serum forced to tell the story of romulus and remus teat sucking infidels founders of a ruined city questioned by interpol and thrown in a secret prison for international offenders of public faith and unanimous consensus of the olympic nations living in filth in tent city vancouver biplanes circling ominously with intent to kill manslaughter to the nth degree you fill in the variable with what you will and never approach infinity holy trinity holy ghost invisible tyrant of vague and myth like unicorn leprechaun wizard of the omnipresent banging on an open door with a fist made of whispers and lies until you cease to live in the eighth dimension and materialize and try to live in the real world until you realize life here isnt worth the aggravation and you give up the ghost and return to your safe and heavenly perch on gods golden throne and do what youve always done nothing because you dont exist in fact the word you doesnt even apply to you praise jesus for the revelation and my impending elevation into the heavens to perch on gods golden throne and do what a holy ghost should do which is i dont know i guess ill just be here where i cant move fast

#103

juno the crime dog perched on a mountaintop eating her curds and whey when out came a diplomat and convinced her to sign a nato nuclear disarmament treaty and then america bombed her country and stole her natural resources so juno swam to the bottom of the dead sea and sought out the worlds oldest merman herman who told her to seek out the diplomat and slit his throat and decapitate him and stick his severed head on a trident and display it in the piazza della repubblica for all the western world to see but juno the crime dog thought this unwise as times square was much closer to the source of the crime but the merman explained that she would never get a severed head into america because the tsa is too tight ever since that stupid underwear bomber futzed his job so juno and herman compromised and decided on picadilly circus so juno resurfaced and trekked to the embassy and slipped into the diplomats office and chopped off his head and took that bleeding thing to london and then realized she didnt have a trident so she found an old curiosity shop and the proprietor had a farmers pitchfork which was good enough she thought so she took her materials out to picadilly circus and stuck the severed head onto the pitchfork and lashed it to a lamppost then a bobby came up to her and said it was illegal to stage a protest without a permit and arrested her

#102

when youre weary feeling dreary and a bottle of rum on the wall where the sum of all parts is equal to the hole in the bottle as you squeeze the throttle and mollycoddle the ringworm tooth fairy on a man made bridge just a hop skip and jump from dead mans ridge where the daredevils fall into an urn while the car radio fuzzes turn turn turn and the cops come to investigate the scene and draw a line of chalk around the reckless teen who did it all for the high school dream and street cred to impress the rebel james dean the three movie king of cunnilingus in the hollyweird machine betting on roulette nobody knows nothing nobody holds the cards and everybodys bluffing like the eight k bling on the cardinals ring finger or a three dollar cup of starbucks red zinger if you cant afford a mocha for your girl dont bring her into this world to increase the surplus population and spread stds by excessive copulation just because shes getting tired of solitary stimulation be a man get a vasectomy youll be an inspiration to a new generation of lazy goof worthless for a pepsi and a wii theyll humilate themselves and eat a millipede on fear factor or laugh about losing a limb under a tractor if i need a girl to love me gotta find a good actor

#101

what im doing now is one hunnert percent illegal in every state and province in every county of every principality in every country on every continent on every planet in every galaxy in every universe in every dimension inside every gods brain forever both forward in time and retroactively but i dont think its so bad because it serves my interests quite well making me fatter and happier and mitigating the stress of my existence so i take offense at anyone elses offense because weve all done bad things before maybe not on the scale of my evil deeds but a sin is a sin and wrong is wrong so dont go around thinking youre better than me just because you dont have the power and position and means that i have because youd be doing the same things if you were wearing my thousand dollar shoes you little upstart prick and thats why youll never be where i am because you dont understand man you dont have the compassion and understanding of what its like to be in my position and the kind of situations im put in and the kind of decisions i have to make so dont go blaming me for some shit your little parochial brain cant even comprehend you little insignificant fuck

#100

and now to jim at the white house jim how are you doing today thanks brian im doing great which is much better than i can say for house republicans who are having a rough go at it today on the hill with dems really sticking it to them on a variety of issues and not hesitating to use the recent republican scandal to their advantage on the podium and earlier today i spoke to john smith representative from iowa john thanks for taking a minute out of your schedule to speak with my network im glad to be here jim thanks for having me on now john let me ask you as a sixty three year old wealthy white male politician how easy is your life well jim im glad you asked because i tell you its not easy you see because i have all these people back in iowa that elected me as their representative you see and they want me to do things for them you see which takes a lot of effort interesting john so i see that the effort it takes is too much for you yes jim that is correct and let me mention my beautiful wife and two lovely daughters and my newborn granddaughter that was great john thanks for having me on jim and now back to brian in the studio thanks for that piece of journalism jim and thats all the time we have tonight this is brian mediocrity signing off god bless america