#115

love is in the hair said hildegard as she unleashed her bun into the two miles of locks that a moment ago were piled on her head and then we climbed into the great white convertible and i stepped on the gas harder and harder until all two miles of hair was blown taut like old glory in a hurricane and then i looked at the speedometer to find that we were traveling at one hundred seventy mph and my joy was interrupted by a strangling fear of law enforcement until i realized that if i accelerated just a little bit more no swine could ever catch me so i set cruise control at two ten and then i climbed onto hildegards hair and walked on it like a plank for a mile or so until the roaring white whale was barely visible in the distance then i stripped stark naked and lay down to get a tan but the gale force wind tickled my balls and the sun made me horny so i flipped onto my stomach and fucked hildegards hair until a banshee orgasm ripped my loins in two and littered the desert highway with untold generations of me which screamed and shriveled in the heat and i turned over on my back penis in the air like a sundial and muttered to myself over and over love is in the hair

#114

he is lording over us that spirit in the sky the grand voyeur the incubus prime the alpha and omega kingdom come spying and plying our lives and putting his omnipotence in our biznass which is ludacris bc if you fucking invented us then either help us or leave us the fuck alone you dumb geezer stop fucking with us and putting stones and railroad ties in my fucking footpath damn god so heres the thing am i an atheist no a religious fella no but i do believe in a singular higher force that exists above all else and i rely on the admittedly faulty first cause theory for the logical part of my belief because everything exists it seems so something had to cause everything to exist right but what caused the first cause to exist and so on and turtles all the way down but i have no faith or love for this first cause god if he does exist bc he isnt exactly the biggest presence in my life outta sight outta mind and since no one ever has seen or experienced your presence i cant waste any sympathy on you so unless youre gonna come be a part of my life stop lording over me lord

#113

some things are simply harder than others for example peeing versus dredging the suez canal or walking versus painting the ceiling of the sistine chapel but if you have a urinary problem or you dont have any legs then maybe you dont agree but even so you probably understand what im getting at and would probably agree though maybe you wouldnt because you want to make a statement that people shouldnt just assume everybody can walk and pee because there is diversity in this world goddammit and if you cant get used to that then go back to the stone age or run for senator or open a barbecue restaurant but dont you stand there talking to me like youre some kind of human being that deserves an ounce of my respect i hate you because of your closed mind and inconsideration of those who you probably consider less fortunate than you ya prick i hate you and everyone like you and everyone that reminds me of you so you could be like that or just agree with the sentiment and make conversation more pleasant for the world by judging intention and not the mechanics of the language save that for your op ed piece and i promise ill read it

#112

i write i do i write and roll like ozzy osbum the wicked mathemetician pine valley mail truck driven by the possessed spawn of dixie and the dark lord after which suzy unwittingly baked my remains into the lasagna served at tad and hayleys wedding at the hale bop heavens gate headquarters mass suicide geniuses in a sterile compound holy holy glockenspiel at the top of everest wise guy in a seafood joint in little italy roman holiday beauty bogart baby in a bubble with a babble in its fart the queen of hearts the overthrow of a dynasty of bastard men in blackened spicy robes under a blood red sky where jimmy cracks corn and i dont care for mother goose cuz she dont care for meat and i simply cant abide a vegetarian diet commercials lap band dog instant hair loss lip gloss liposuction miracle whip its a free country music station to stationery store front and back in black you never go back in time is on my side of a barn door is open for business as usual suspects apprehended red handy man around the house coat of paint the town red sea to shining sebring me a pint of irelands finest sewage water and make it quick before i do die do die doe die do die