#128

look who it is going in the studio thats the public trust i heard them before girl they tight like a baby butthole nice and groovy bootylicious like beyonce who i hear got one in the oven no doubt from jay that fertile mothafucka talk about a groove i bet they rock nice between them sheets in their ten cajillion dollar house in greenpoint i mean when is that sex tape gonna hit the internet i would be all over that shit like breading on kfc i bet you they film all sortsa crazy shit on that camcorder i bet you they do it in the studio she all sucking him off while he lays down that track and even while hes writing the words hell i would do that shit for real i dont care if its gay or not his shit would be all deep in my esophagus and id be like what and hed all be like what and then hed lay down some wicked shit like you never heard all open minded and gay friendly and shit yo that would be the shit for real and im totally down jay if you read this its on man i aint fucking with you or any such shit you can find me in the blue van parked by them warehouses right by the gowanus canal and shit

#127

funny set up all down and out in los angeles with nothing but hitch 22 between me and this side of paradise and a plastic cup with milk drying in a ring at the bottom and too expensive eyeglasses on top of a thesaurus which is on top of a dictionary which is on top of a clipboard upon which are clipped snippets of short stories and song ideas and le mepris by jean luc godard inches away needing to be returned to the video store and a powerbook g4 in front of me playing ray charles through itunes and a brother brand typewriter in the back left corner of this brand new wooden fold out table and on my lap is a black and white speckled notebook upon which i am scribbling words with a blue pilot inkpen which i grip with my thumb and index finger and middle finger while i enjoy my bare arms with my tanktop on and the warm white light cutting through the window in front of me and shining onto my old black guitar case on the floor to the left of my ass which sits on a beige metal chair like one might find in a middle school teachers break room

#126

california lonely like only california can be freeways and big skies and the ocean and wide boulevards and dry heat all good places for closeness and comfort disappear and evaporate into nothingness leaving me alone and lonesome with no friends and a mexican eightball buzz just the way i like it not unhappy but very very alone with my mind and my ideas and trying to punch a hole in my fingertips to let some bloody ideas out onto the page and into the world but the dry peace of la taking me down slamming my wet brain into the dust of this western eden where all is possible but so many sins are committed every second that even god cant keep count nor does he need to because what could he do with the tally but retch at his dismal design while his chilluns bask in the sun like lizard freaks and spend poor peoples salaries on dinner and the fool immigrants in east la eat rice and beans and send extra pesos back south wondering if the horror of their northern migration was worth the lousy payoff rice and beans california lonely like only california can be

#125

taking it hard in new york city where the streets are burning my soles and the weather is hot and the girls are pretty and they are starting to show some skin and i am starting to fall in love on a daily basis with a different girl it is the damn weather i tell you it is the pollen i tell you it is the fact that i have a penis i tell you oh god i need to get out of this bacchanal city before i take it too far with some floozy that took advantage of a surge in my hormones or before i drink and smoke myself into some gnarly oblivion with nothing left behind but a strange little movie and an even stranger collection of journalism and an oddball selection of unproduced screenplays that have as yet resisted garnering an agent or manager and just sit there on my shelf like some ugly little art project i was too scared to show anyone but the truth is that i have just been to pansy about the whole thing and i have refused to be cocky and arrogant enough to get my scripts in the hands of the studio brass who can make the damn things into movies with stars and big budgets and all so it is time to get cocky and shove it down some throats

#124

nothing is forever except the past said that poor son of a bitch as he looked down to the hudson from the rooftop of his sixth avenue apartment and then he looked south down into greenwich village and took a long sip of his wild turkey and thought about his college days swimming naked in the washington square fountain and sex in the stalls at taverns with women he barely knew and didnt care to know he let out a big sigh and turned to the woman next to him with whom he had been in love the last time he looked over but not anymore it seemed she was nothing to him anymore but a stranger and a gloomy reminder that his youth was behind him and the wrinkles were starting to spread like spiderwebs around his mouth and eyes and up to his steadily growing forehead he looked east and stopped for a second to consider how soft and pink the sky gets at the end of a warm day and the sun has abandoned the east in favor of the west and he wondered if his problem was that his day hadnt been warm enough but he came to no conclusions he looked back at the woman and decided she would have to do for now

#123

hey girl where exactly did this come from us falling for each other and then things getting complicated within twenty four hours of the start of it all curses to whoever is responsible for this and a pox on gods balls just for good measure now i wish we were together again in my bed or yours because they both worked all right and moving in rhythm with each other like two halves of one ecstatic body and what a body you have just perfection my georgia rose with strawberry blond hair and everything about you is sweetness from your voice to your breath to your taste to the touch of your skin to your words to your eyes to the looks we shared and your sweet sweet smile oh glory when i fly away i hope to find myself in your arms in the by and by when we kissed i knew and you knew and sometimes things like this happen we were told by fairy tales and hollywood and it happened to happen to us in real life but now it looks like its all over because of circumstance because of the chance shitstains on our random histories and the people we each know so i am trying to convince myself to appreciate the whole thing like a comet or like any of the other godforsaken love affairs of mine that have ended this same cursed way

#122

morning new york at the hollywood diner and a cup of watery joe in front of me on the bar a sausage and egg sandwich on the way and a full day of work ahead of me and i will probably never feel better than i do right now but i am restless and cant help it i am leaving this paradise and going to the garden of eden in los angeles and then i think i need something new for awhile like el paso or washington dc or hawaii or florida or mexico or argentina or just something new because i havent done anything crazy and new since paris really because i dont count providence because i was there to work and new york is definitely my favorite city in the world and one can never know every in and out of the city but one can feel the heart of it like any city except los angeles and i need a new heart maybe austin could renew me or maybe i need a traveling job that will send me all over the place so i am never at home and thats whats at the bottom of it i am sick of being at home

#121

a southern gentleman does not crap on his friends head when his friend isnt looking nor does he murder people without motivation nor does he cross the street without looking both ways nor does he rape other peoples house cats nor does he twist the knife after the torture victim has made his confession nor does he eat chinese food alone on thanksgiving nor does he parade as mussolini in july and promote genocide nor does he fund snuff films nor does he let a stray piece of egg salad get stuck in his mustache nor does he practice soccer using an immigrants head as the ball nor does he embezzle funds from charitable organizations nor does he let a lady open a door for herself nor does he roll drunks just for the rush nor does he arrange homosexual orgies in his secret house in the bad part of town nor does he forget which spoon is the correct one to use for soup nor does he carelessly spread his venereal diseases to his friends wives nor does he masturbate in public toilets nor does he keep nightcrawlers in his pocket for no reason at all nor does he fart on the proctologist when the proctologist is giving him a rectal exam nor does he curse in the presence of the fairer sex

#120

i would like it to be publicly known that i am pathologically unable to turn down an invitation if i dont have a conflict so my schedule gets eaten up by a string of engagements half of which are joyful occurrences and the other half teeth pulling nail biting exercises in boredom endurance with people i dont really know or whose company i dont enjoy so since i have diagnosed my illness i would like everyone whose company i dont enjoy to quit inviting me to do things with them and not just for my sake but for all yours as well because if i am finding our conversations excruciatingly laborious you cant be having a good time i mean i get so bored i am incapable of making the least interesting comment and certainly nothing witty or astute escapes from my mouth in these situations because my mind turns soft and the blood supply gets cut off and a keen depression concentrates into a point between my eyes and gives me a migraine of hopelessness which certainly must show on my face so in conclusion please just stop inviting me out and there will be more hope in the world and children of all colors will be fucking in the streets in the morning

#119

creeping christ i dont want the wild turkey but i will take it anyway because i am the enablers enabler and i will make sure that the chaos comes from within all three of us and not just me because there is only so much that one man can do but if you get three of us together and fuel us with admiral nelsons firefly wild turkey then you have a grisly force that might break into spontaneous lancing bouts in the median of philadelphias busiest thoroughfare or fall face first on a freeway exit ramp or try to bring women home with it even though the force resides two and a half hours away or spend more than it can afford but not regret it because this is one for the history books and i recorded it all posing as a reporter from the new york times and revealing myself as an ignorant fraud at every turn but no one cared because we were so much fun and they liked us there and they liked the chaos and the freedom of madness and they liked answering my questions into the dictaphone knowing that we would listen back to the recordings and hear their voices and opinions and we would laugh

#118

theres a smoothie on my boobie said the duchess of earl a dashing young lady of seventeen and it just so happened that the duke was in london on business so i the duchesss clothier was left to suck that blueberry smoothie off her royal pink nipple like a puppy goes for mothers milk but keeping within the realm of propriety i stopped sucking when the smoothie was gone from that cold and erect nipple then i turned around and went about my business and not a second later i heard theres some smoothie on my cooter and i whipped around and burrowed beneath the duchesss dress and wore her crotch like a horse wears a feed bag for hours and hours her thighs clamped around my ears deafening me to her orgasmic screams her feet pressed against my back pulling me in closer as if i could get any closer than having my face halfway inside her but i tried and for a moment i imagined myself swimming inside her exploring her feminine tunnels in a jules verne sort of way just curious and fascinated at every turn all the savagery of sex replaced by the cold comfort of science but then she pushed me back and dumped the rest of her smoothie down my pants and said theres a smoothie on your weewee

#117

hey singer hey singer i love you get on off that stage and stop singing our song to all these schmucks in the audience and we can go back to my place and when i want a show you will sing in my ear and after you finish we will make love and then we will shower and then drink wild turkey on the river bank and look up at the clouds that mingle briefly with our cigarette smoke every time we exhale and we will nap for a little bit and when we wake up we can do whatever we want like go back to my place and make love all over the place or we can meet up with friends before we go back to my place and make love all over the place and dont forget we can always go back to your place and make love all over the place any one of those options will work for me but you have to promise that you will sing for me every now and then and not let our lovemaking get in the way of what made me fall in love with you oh that voice and that mouth and your eyes and your hips and your shoulders hey singer i love you get on off that stage and we can do whatever we want

#116

i am exhausted like a tail pipe an engine running on fumes uphill in the rain in a foreign place where the law tells you to drive on the weird side of the road and even when you know its right it feels wrong and you slip up and the cops pull you over and ask you questions in a tongue you cant understand or even place because you woke up in this car with no recollection of the past month and it might be switzerland or germany or argentina or nepal but you dont recognize the language its indecipherable and the cops uniform is blue like in america but its definitely not america so you just throw up your hands in frustration but the cop is startled by your sudden movement and pulls his gun on you and you slump back in your seat resigned to die in some unknown foreign land but he doesnt shoot he just slowly backs up all the way to his car keeping his eyes on you the whole time then he gets in his car and pulls away so after a few weird seconds fascinated by the absence of adrenaline you turn the key in the ignition and drive up and up but it gets suddenly dark and theres no sign of humanity and your eyelids are heavy so you pull over to the shoulder of the road in this strange land and give in

#115

love is in the hair said hildegard as she unleashed her bun into the two miles of locks that a moment ago were piled on her head and then we climbed into the great white convertible and i stepped on the gas harder and harder until all two miles of hair was blown taut like old glory in a hurricane and then i looked at the speedometer to find that we were traveling at one hundred seventy mph and my joy was interrupted by a strangling fear of law enforcement until i realized that if i accelerated just a little bit more no swine could ever catch me so i set cruise control at two ten and then i climbed onto hildegards hair and walked on it like a plank for a mile or so until the roaring white whale was barely visible in the distance then i stripped stark naked and lay down to get a tan but the gale force wind tickled my balls and the sun made me horny so i flipped onto my stomach and fucked hildegards hair until a banshee orgasm ripped my loins in two and littered the desert highway with untold generations of me which screamed and shriveled in the heat and i turned over on my back penis in the air like a sundial and muttered to myself over and over love is in the hair

#114

he is lording over us that spirit in the sky the grand voyeur the incubus prime the alpha and omega kingdom come spying and plying our lives and putting his omnipotence in our biznass which is ludacris bc if you fucking invented us then either help us or leave us the fuck alone you dumb geezer stop fucking with us and putting stones and railroad ties in my fucking footpath damn god so heres the thing am i an atheist no a religious fella no but i do believe in a singular higher force that exists above all else and i rely on the admittedly faulty first cause theory for the logical part of my belief because everything exists it seems so something had to cause everything to exist right but what caused the first cause to exist and so on and turtles all the way down but i have no faith or love for this first cause god if he does exist bc he isnt exactly the biggest presence in my life outta sight outta mind and since no one ever has seen or experienced your presence i cant waste any sympathy on you so unless youre gonna come be a part of my life stop lording over me lord

#113

some things are simply harder than others for example peeing versus dredging the suez canal or walking versus painting the ceiling of the sistine chapel but if you have a urinary problem or you dont have any legs then maybe you dont agree but even so you probably understand what im getting at and would probably agree though maybe you wouldnt because you want to make a statement that people shouldnt just assume everybody can walk and pee because there is diversity in this world goddammit and if you cant get used to that then go back to the stone age or run for senator or open a barbecue restaurant but dont you stand there talking to me like youre some kind of human being that deserves an ounce of my respect i hate you because of your closed mind and inconsideration of those who you probably consider less fortunate than you ya prick i hate you and everyone like you and everyone that reminds me of you so you could be like that or just agree with the sentiment and make conversation more pleasant for the world by judging intention and not the mechanics of the language save that for your op ed piece and i promise ill read it

#112

i write i do i write and roll like ozzy osbum the wicked mathemetician pine valley mail truck driven by the possessed spawn of dixie and the dark lord after which suzy unwittingly baked my remains into the lasagna served at tad and hayleys wedding at the hale bop heavens gate headquarters mass suicide geniuses in a sterile compound holy holy glockenspiel at the top of everest wise guy in a seafood joint in little italy roman holiday beauty bogart baby in a bubble with a babble in its fart the queen of hearts the overthrow of a dynasty of bastard men in blackened spicy robes under a blood red sky where jimmy cracks corn and i dont care for mother goose cuz she dont care for meat and i simply cant abide a vegetarian diet commercials lap band dog instant hair loss lip gloss liposuction miracle whip its a free country music station to stationery store front and back in black you never go back in time is on my side of a barn door is open for business as usual suspects apprehended red handy man around the house coat of paint the town red sea to shining sebring me a pint of irelands finest sewage water and make it quick before i do die do die doe die do die

#111

two days after fools day and not a single trick was played upon the lemonade split by the cinnamon stick in a rainy meadow where nothing stood but a simple stand by a couple portly fellows portentously manned selling wicked chemist concoctions of sugar and spice spiked with a lethal dose of crawling pubic lice but nothing so delicious did this kingdom ever see than their uniquely tangy potion of cracker pecker tea that would split your brain and buckle your knees and bend your elbows back and send shivers shooting down your spine from cranium to crack the queen could soon drink nothing but and princess anna too but king balloo banished the men because the drink gave him the flu and then there was a great revolt from pauper to royalty and the farmers used their pitchforks to fight for democracy and when they won they nominated a portly fellow to run for prime minister and he won the seat and banned from the kingdom the bastard drink censors then he held a free cup day where everyone could come and have a cracker pecker tea spiked with spicy rum and thus the party ran and ran til they all drank themselves dumb

#110

back and forth and in and out and left to right and here and there and there we are at wimbledon at centre court following balls with our swiveling melons intrigued by a match we have no stake in supporting a player out of blind and disgusting patriotism the eighth deadly sin the arbitrary pride america has duped its citizens into believing is a moral thing god and country the contradiction is clear if you believe in god then you should value all gods creatures equally i dont remember any people besides the jews that were set apart as special and holy in the eyes of god and surely god didnt have one of his prophets slip in some line about the usa in the bible so what is this god and country thing other than nationalistic jingoism hammered into your brain to make you more willing to accept the atrocities our country impresses upon the less fortunate and hopefully get you to turn out for the ticker tape parade where we land those mercenary killers for hire we call soldiers and praise to no end just because they work for the government theyre volunteer killers of innocent little brown people upholders of totalitarian regimes keepers of the american world order and guardians of the corporate greed wealth and i dont support them

#109

dry spell in a wet hell morning nothing but boring crustacean land life wavering on the brink of plankton worthless boneyard flavor in the depths of puddle pie crazy as a naked jaybird on the wagon off caffeine sans cigarettes by no means straight edge and by no means mormon or born again just a clear mind to antagonize the world without clouds and lapses of memory and humiliations when someone else can tell my story better than i can whats up my gayness on the soccer field after they scare or oops i just farted as i hit the pitch in golden valley that port of call that layover in my young life that i remember more vaguely than i want to even clemmons fades away lost in the dense brambly forest of tanglewood escaped horses in the yard smoking refires with josh and making out with ashley at the ymca and going up her shirt at the water park and jordans arm breaking during the soccer game like a twig snapping off a high branch and now memory trees fall in tanglewoods wilderness and im not there to seem them or hear them but sometimes i find myself alone in the wilderness crying or laughing or finding fallen fragments of branches that used to mean something but now i cant quite place them

#108

when the moon is smiling and youre reminded that your heroes are gone a sad version of peace fills your bones and lovers from the past weep in your memory and love and sorrow overcome the illusion of routines and annoyances and habits and you are there somewhere with your heroes in unity without separation beyond ambition beyond need and desire beyond want and ignorance beyond words in empty space alive with music not bound by the fallacy of surviving swimming in the balmy dark just feeling only feeling nothing but feeling everyone is gone but you are with them all in nothing just reality and nothing else illusions by holy laughter blown to rags and atoms at a blast all but reality forgotten regret and pride alike eaten by the vacuum energy alone remaining just feeling only feeling nothing but feeling when the moon is smiling and youre reminded that your heroes are gone

#107

oh my god oh my lord one day at a time sweet jesus theres a bomb coming out of the sky and everybody knows but the wingman is here to solve your woes by wooing the sweet young mary of your dreams like freud in the batcave slaving away at his psychotic analysis of your inner fantasy bullshit bullshit hogwash for sale twenty five cents a pound two bits a lb my lord on high in the sky looking down at his ant farm observing the system and realizing he is only part of the system he created no more immune to the effects of the first cause than uncle bob in tomahawk wisconsin is immune to the hospital laying him off cigarette ashes keeping his arctic cactus alive under the all seeing eyes of larry curly and moe and the duke little missy youre too young to handle a gun oh yeah john wayne pow pow kablow his brains plop onto the dusty trail while his lifeless body stands unaffected and petrifies into a living dead monument to fakery upon which big g in the sky smiles down bemused knowing he couldnt have stopped the carnage if he wanted to because he bowled the ball into the precosmic cluster and sent us hurtling through misery and pain and meaningless dominoes unaware of our freedom our mastership of our souls our oneness our consciousness our love and our web oh my lord oh my god

#106

talk to the stigmata hood rat satan in a black box theater underneath a grocery store where tv actors do things that are much more interesting and intelligent than the backwash they cough up on screen the poor successful hacks that have nothing but a grocery store basement in chelsea to feed their artistic souls whereas i have my piece of shit apartment in crown heights to remind me everyday that i havent sold out and even if i had the opportunity i wouldnt accept tens of thousands of dollars in exchange for minimal work because i simply dont pander to monied interests actually in think this is true because i dont really need money and i believe my self respect would shrivel like a penis in the yukon in a fruit dehydrator if ever i saw myself hawking some bullshit product on late night tv or even if i was on a tv show of low merit for after all tv shows are just the space between the commercials as far as the big wigs are concerned but then again the movie world isnt as pure as i would like to think it is since stars are the big draw so you have to put stars in your movie for it to open big or to give it legs even if brad pitt is wrong for the role and who knows maybe even brad pitt longs to be in the basement of a grocery store in chelsea sometimes

#105

there is no sanctuary my felonious friends we thieves of the night of justice and good misunderstood by all even those we aim to help but we must forge ahead moving under the cloak of darkness from hamlet to village from kingdom to camelot from great hall to single family occupancy dwelling redistributing wealth as we the radical economist outlaws see fit and carry out our operation in stealth speeding the adjustment of the market and molding a guerrilla socialist state purloining gold bullion from fort knox and knocking off atms and rolling wealthy lushes and executing high end jewelry and art heists doing whatever it takes to robin hood this world into equality even jumping into the cap and trade game setting up front corporations and selling our emissions to proctor and gamble and using that money to hire a safe cracking specialist to go into proctor and gambles headquarters and steal their cash that we can give to the working class heroes whose houses are getting foreclosed because they were sold subprime loans by another institution that we are going to rob and our mission is to redistribute wealth so that every person in the world has exactly thirty two thousand dollars and for the first time democracy will rule as no one can leverage their financial power to influence the government or i guess we could just search for honest politicians ha ha ha

#104

fast i cant move from malnourished brittle bones syndrome pummeled by giant fists of arsenic and truth serum forced to tell the story of romulus and remus teat sucking infidels founders of a ruined city questioned by interpol and thrown in a secret prison for international offenders of public faith and unanimous consensus of the olympic nations living in filth in tent city vancouver biplanes circling ominously with intent to kill manslaughter to the nth degree you fill in the variable with what you will and never approach infinity holy trinity holy ghost invisible tyrant of vague and myth like unicorn leprechaun wizard of the omnipresent banging on an open door with a fist made of whispers and lies until you cease to live in the eighth dimension and materialize and try to live in the real world until you realize life here isnt worth the aggravation and you give up the ghost and return to your safe and heavenly perch on gods golden throne and do what youve always done nothing because you dont exist in fact the word you doesnt even apply to you praise jesus for the revelation and my impending elevation into the heavens to perch on gods golden throne and do what a holy ghost should do which is i dont know i guess ill just be here where i cant move fast

#103

juno the crime dog perched on a mountaintop eating her curds and whey when out came a diplomat and convinced her to sign a nato nuclear disarmament treaty and then america bombed her country and stole her natural resources so juno swam to the bottom of the dead sea and sought out the worlds oldest merman herman who told her to seek out the diplomat and slit his throat and decapitate him and stick his severed head on a trident and display it in the piazza della repubblica for all the western world to see but juno the crime dog thought this unwise as times square was much closer to the source of the crime but the merman explained that she would never get a severed head into america because the tsa is too tight ever since that stupid underwear bomber futzed his job so juno and herman compromised and decided on picadilly circus so juno resurfaced and trekked to the embassy and slipped into the diplomats office and chopped off his head and took that bleeding thing to london and then realized she didnt have a trident so she found an old curiosity shop and the proprietor had a farmers pitchfork which was good enough she thought so she took her materials out to picadilly circus and stuck the severed head onto the pitchfork and lashed it to a lamppost then a bobby came up to her and said it was illegal to stage a protest without a permit and arrested her

#102

when youre weary feeling dreary and a bottle of rum on the wall where the sum of all parts is equal to the hole in the bottle as you squeeze the throttle and mollycoddle the ringworm tooth fairy on a man made bridge just a hop skip and jump from dead mans ridge where the daredevils fall into an urn while the car radio fuzzes turn turn turn and the cops come to investigate the scene and draw a line of chalk around the reckless teen who did it all for the high school dream and street cred to impress the rebel james dean the three movie king of cunnilingus in the hollyweird machine betting on roulette nobody knows nothing nobody holds the cards and everybodys bluffing like the eight k bling on the cardinals ring finger or a three dollar cup of starbucks red zinger if you cant afford a mocha for your girl dont bring her into this world to increase the surplus population and spread stds by excessive copulation just because shes getting tired of solitary stimulation be a man get a vasectomy youll be an inspiration to a new generation of lazy goof worthless for a pepsi and a wii theyll humilate themselves and eat a millipede on fear factor or laugh about losing a limb under a tractor if i need a girl to love me gotta find a good actor

#101

what im doing now is one hunnert percent illegal in every state and province in every county of every principality in every country on every continent on every planet in every galaxy in every universe in every dimension inside every gods brain forever both forward in time and retroactively but i dont think its so bad because it serves my interests quite well making me fatter and happier and mitigating the stress of my existence so i take offense at anyone elses offense because weve all done bad things before maybe not on the scale of my evil deeds but a sin is a sin and wrong is wrong so dont go around thinking youre better than me just because you dont have the power and position and means that i have because youd be doing the same things if you were wearing my thousand dollar shoes you little upstart prick and thats why youll never be where i am because you dont understand man you dont have the compassion and understanding of what its like to be in my position and the kind of situations im put in and the kind of decisions i have to make so dont go blaming me for some shit your little parochial brain cant even comprehend you little insignificant fuck

#100

and now to jim at the white house jim how are you doing today thanks brian im doing great which is much better than i can say for house republicans who are having a rough go at it today on the hill with dems really sticking it to them on a variety of issues and not hesitating to use the recent republican scandal to their advantage on the podium and earlier today i spoke to john smith representative from iowa john thanks for taking a minute out of your schedule to speak with my network im glad to be here jim thanks for having me on now john let me ask you as a sixty three year old wealthy white male politician how easy is your life well jim im glad you asked because i tell you its not easy you see because i have all these people back in iowa that elected me as their representative you see and they want me to do things for them you see which takes a lot of effort interesting john so i see that the effort it takes is too much for you yes jim that is correct and let me mention my beautiful wife and two lovely daughters and my newborn granddaughter that was great john thanks for having me on jim and now back to brian in the studio thanks for that piece of journalism jim and thats all the time we have tonight this is brian mediocrity signing off god bless america

#99

this biological article needs additional flagellates for meat grinding accuracy in order for it to be legally engraved on the vietnam monument in my lai where their skin still burns like napalm on pho with a little cock sauce on the top making them crow for mercy and offer their skeletons for vibraphones tex avery style anti nazi propaganda little german brainwash boy in a bubble and a baby with the babble in its heart and i believe that four score and seven years from now i will not exist but haleys comet will be doing fine and scientology will be the worlds dominant religion squashing atheism into nonexistence sweeping abraham under the dianetic rug with all the other bugs like the mayan calendar and nostradamus and timmy boy leary on a wood panelled tour bus luxuriating in psychadelic comfort observing the infinite intricacies of wood grain and knots and lacquer and imagination the destroyer of fascism and status quo and that exterior world if you want it all to disappear but dont confuse creative laziness with imagination like terry gilliam has that poor old biological specimen without enough brain flagella to make an imaginary pinwheel spin in the breeze

#98

wake me up before you go bowling because i dont want your ball knocking over my dreams and giving me a stroke because you roll a strike on the high point of my rem cycle with a banana split doing the tango with bigfoot before barbie swoops down in a chopper and blows harry away with an uzi and takes me to dr dementos castle where big bird is waiting to take me out on the lake to go water skiing with mr t and three of my ex girlfriends who are all pregnant by my elementary school principal who is bob dylans brother and can do time travel magic casting us back to 1939 hollywood where we hang out with humphrey bogart and ingrid bergman and everybody gets roofied by cary grant and we stumble back into the next millennium in walmart where humphrey is operating the cash register and he lets us take the baby pool even though we dont have enough cash to pay for it just because he likes us and then i find my three exes face down in the baby pool dead as door nails and my life takes a dark turn as axl rose leads the funeral ceremony while slash plays a dirge in an empty western church yard and the color bleeds out of the rose and all im left with is blankness and my elementary school principal who recommends we go back to golden valley to recover but instead i crawl up my mothers vagina and die stillborn

#97

i think i may have made a mistake when i asked the nun out on facebook because she hasnt made any status updates for months oh i would have called her but i dont have her phone number i cant believe i didnt get her phone number but i should be grateful that i found her on facebook and i wonder if she has a myspace page with sexy pictures of her lifting up the hem of her habit to reveal her slim ankle i cant believe ive fallen for a nun but theres something about that guaranteed purity that turns me on because you can never tell with other folks when they say theyve only slept with three people ever in their whole lifetimes because there is no way to confirm or disprove that because they could just be lying like if i was a slut i would totally lie about how many people ive slept with because people might look at me like i was dirty or something which is totally unjust because i would practice ultra safe sex if i was a slut with all kinds of contraceptives all over the place like pills and diaphragms and condoms both male and female and all that shit like four layers of contraceptive protection but with a nun you dont have to worry about any thoughts like that at all because shes locked in her penguin chastity suit by her vow to god but i guess its not like a vow has really stopped people from you know what in the past damn

#96

please be aware there has been a scat scare on the skeez meter outside the club so weve had to clear the building while the health inspector makes sure all colon particles are no longer airborne and large intestine residue is cleaned from the pole and sphincter flakes are cleared off the front row tables but after that we can all go back inside and enjoy the entertainment of rectal rachel and flatulent fanny and hemorrhoid heidi so guys put on your surgical masks and prepare for a methane blast like youve never known cuz it will make your eyes water and your nose bleed and youll leave with and ear infection and youll never forget your time here at the crackhouse you labia hating pucker button wild sleaze freaks so come and see me to reserve your seats in the front row on the edge of the stage where the flying farts arent just heard but felt and sometimes seen as particle poo stains on your collar which is why we recommend you stay away from white clothing while youre here or any color other than brown or dark yellow cream diarrhea blend but thats only on tuesday nights when we have our happy hour enema mama specials from five until seven and then again from midnight until close where its an all liquid show absolutely no solids guaranteed and looks like the health inspector is giving us the all clear to go back inside and get shitfaced

#95

okay class i know you cant see me or hear me right now because im dead and im in your presence only as a hovering ghost of the netherworld but i have a few things id like to say to you for my own sake like be careful when you get into a fight with a large man wielding a crowbar and dont taunt your husband when hes strung out on meth especially when hes big and wielding a crowbar because most likely he will not hesitate to strike you in the face and send your immortal soul to the great beyond and though this might seem crazy to some of you i think its a good idea to get surveillance cameras installed in your house because you never know when some tragic accident might happen and i can tell you that meth abusers are surprisingly good at disposing of bodies probably because of their singlemindedness and lack of a moral compass but my point is that if you heed these two simple suggestions then you might not end up as dead as i am right now doing crazy shit like i do like haunting my own classroom or the police station because even if you do get murdered by a loved one you would at least have video evidence were the crime to happen in your house but it sure is a shame that we have only one go at our earthly existence because man the things i know now