#99

this biological article needs additional flagellates for meat grinding accuracy in order for it to be legally engraved on the vietnam monument in my lai where their skin still burns like napalm on pho with a little cock sauce on the top making them crow for mercy and offer their skeletons for vibraphones tex avery style anti nazi propaganda little german brainwash boy in a bubble and a baby with the babble in its heart and i believe that four score and seven years from now i will not exist but haleys comet will be doing fine and scientology will be the worlds dominant religion squashing atheism into nonexistence sweeping abraham under the dianetic rug with all the other bugs like the mayan calendar and nostradamus and timmy boy leary on a wood panelled tour bus luxuriating in psychadelic comfort observing the infinite intricacies of wood grain and knots and lacquer and imagination the destroyer of fascism and status quo and that exterior world if you want it all to disappear but dont confuse creative laziness with imagination like terry gilliam has that poor old biological specimen without enough brain flagella to make an imaginary pinwheel spin in the breeze

#98

wake me up before you go bowling because i dont want your ball knocking over my dreams and giving me a stroke because you roll a strike on the high point of my rem cycle with a banana split doing the tango with bigfoot before barbie swoops down in a chopper and blows harry away with an uzi and takes me to dr dementos castle where big bird is waiting to take me out on the lake to go water skiing with mr t and three of my ex girlfriends who are all pregnant by my elementary school principal who is bob dylans brother and can do time travel magic casting us back to 1939 hollywood where we hang out with humphrey bogart and ingrid bergman and everybody gets roofied by cary grant and we stumble back into the next millennium in walmart where humphrey is operating the cash register and he lets us take the baby pool even though we dont have enough cash to pay for it just because he likes us and then i find my three exes face down in the baby pool dead as door nails and my life takes a dark turn as axl rose leads the funeral ceremony while slash plays a dirge in an empty western church yard and the color bleeds out of the rose and all im left with is blankness and my elementary school principal who recommends we go back to golden valley to recover but instead i crawl up my mothers vagina and die stillborn

#97

i think i may have made a mistake when i asked the nun out on facebook because she hasnt made any status updates for months oh i would have called her but i dont have her phone number i cant believe i didnt get her phone number but i should be grateful that i found her on facebook and i wonder if she has a myspace page with sexy pictures of her lifting up the hem of her habit to reveal her slim ankle i cant believe ive fallen for a nun but theres something about that guaranteed purity that turns me on because you can never tell with other folks when they say theyve only slept with three people ever in their whole lifetimes because there is no way to confirm or disprove that because they could just be lying like if i was a slut i would totally lie about how many people ive slept with because people might look at me like i was dirty or something which is totally unjust because i would practice ultra safe sex if i was a slut with all kinds of contraceptives all over the place like pills and diaphragms and condoms both male and female and all that shit like four layers of contraceptive protection but with a nun you dont have to worry about any thoughts like that at all because shes locked in her penguin chastity suit by her vow to god but i guess its not like a vow has really stopped people from you know what in the past damn

#96

please be aware there has been a scat scare on the skeez meter outside the club so weve had to clear the building while the health inspector makes sure all colon particles are no longer airborne and large intestine residue is cleaned from the pole and sphincter flakes are cleared off the front row tables but after that we can all go back inside and enjoy the entertainment of rectal rachel and flatulent fanny and hemorrhoid heidi so guys put on your surgical masks and prepare for a methane blast like youve never known cuz it will make your eyes water and your nose bleed and youll leave with and ear infection and youll never forget your time here at the crackhouse you labia hating pucker button wild sleaze freaks so come and see me to reserve your seats in the front row on the edge of the stage where the flying farts arent just heard but felt and sometimes seen as particle poo stains on your collar which is why we recommend you stay away from white clothing while youre here or any color other than brown or dark yellow cream diarrhea blend but thats only on tuesday nights when we have our happy hour enema mama specials from five until seven and then again from midnight until close where its an all liquid show absolutely no solids guaranteed and looks like the health inspector is giving us the all clear to go back inside and get shitfaced

#95

okay class i know you cant see me or hear me right now because im dead and im in your presence only as a hovering ghost of the netherworld but i have a few things id like to say to you for my own sake like be careful when you get into a fight with a large man wielding a crowbar and dont taunt your husband when hes strung out on meth especially when hes big and wielding a crowbar because most likely he will not hesitate to strike you in the face and send your immortal soul to the great beyond and though this might seem crazy to some of you i think its a good idea to get surveillance cameras installed in your house because you never know when some tragic accident might happen and i can tell you that meth abusers are surprisingly good at disposing of bodies probably because of their singlemindedness and lack of a moral compass but my point is that if you heed these two simple suggestions then you might not end up as dead as i am right now doing crazy shit like i do like haunting my own classroom or the police station because even if you do get murdered by a loved one you would at least have video evidence were the crime to happen in your house but it sure is a shame that we have only one go at our earthly existence because man the things i know now