#60

yesterday the director from south africa said she could never live in los angeles because there is such a sense of desperation in the way people act and it was the first time i had ever heard that term desperation used so powerfully and so realistic and so so sad and i think the reason it hit me so hard is because it is so true and it is the one word i have been looking for since i moved here to describe my surroundings and now that ive heard this word used in this context it controls my brain as i scoot around the city looking out windows and seeing nothing but desperation in hollywood burbank down to marina del rey and listening to people talk hearing desperation in every little inflection of midwestern accents and shaking hands with schmoozers trying to make connections i feel the almost unnoticeable needles of desperation sticking into my skin and i look down at my hand to see blood running out of my palm and down my arm and i have no cloth to stop it with and no bandage so i am forced to lick my wound so the blood doesnt get everywhere and all over me but as soon as the blood hits my lips my muscles freeze like ive been poisoned and it takes half a second to realize i froze up because i tasted desperation in my blood